The Power of Testimony for Freedom

Tonight something major took place in the spiritual realm. Something that gave me the drive again to write about the goodness of my God. First of all, how blessed I really am has hit me. But first, first I want to give thanks and praise to  my God and glorify His name for the freedom that  He has blessed me with. Even if I still struggle, the amount of freedom that I have had over the past year is beyond words. I never imagined being in a place where writing parts of my testimony and sharing my struggles would be a semi-normal thing.

Being honest about how I am doing and battles I am facing was never an occurrence for me: I was a professional liar, faker, pretender, you name it. Especially because my battle is with an eating disorder, anorexia (and bulimia)  nervosa, one of the most shameful things ever. It is a mental illness that people don't just discuss. Full of disgust and shame. A secret to be kept forever. Or so I thought. That is until Jesus began speaking freedom over me this past year. His banner over me is love and freedom, and when He renamed me "Hephzibah," or "My Delight is in Her" in December of 2010, I knew I would never be the same.

I gained an understanding of "what you keep in the dark will keep you in the dark." I knew that in order to really live a life full of the joy that He brings, I had to begin being real. Really being real. I had to begin sharing my story, bits and pieces, little by little, to people here and there. I had to stop hiding and start being vulnerable. I knew that as one delighted in, I had a destiny greater than I would ever imagine. I knew that after a battle for my mind, my heart, my soul, and my entire body physically (aka, coming close to death from my eating disorder multiple times), the calling on my life was worth fighting for. Even when I could not fight it. And that is why it was so crucial to have others fighting for me -- something only done by creating a vulnerability.

And so this year came and went, and I opened up to and became vulnerable with several people, make for THREE MORE over the past month, even while coming out of my hardest season. The Lord gave me courage to begin living out my testimony by beginning to allow several people in to physically BE a part of my story, creating bonds that would never be broken. And as I grew more and more able to walk the road of recovery with vulnerability and honesty, I came to realize that freedom came from exposing the darkness, bringing to light the power of Satan in my life.

And every single day, whether it was important to me at the time or not, I knew without a doubt that there was an incredible calling for my life, and that the battle for my life was not going to end anytime soon. And so I got sicker and sicker as the year crawled along. Getting kicked off of my mission trip because I was "too sick" in my eating disorder to be in a foreign country really topped it off. Satan threw at me lie after lie, and I eventually began to realize how desperately he was fighting to steal my destiny.

And it is because of this that I write tonight. It is because I now know that he has no power over my destiny as I bring to light the darkest of secrets. As I opened up to one of THE most important spiritual leaders in my life today, and as I talked to one of my best friends in depth about my struggle with an eating disorder for a decade, I could physically and mentally feel the chains that keep me in captivity loosen more and more, and my destiny begin to break out.

Because of the battle(s) I have fought for my life, and because I declare that I am free and will one day be completely recovered by His power and His power alone, I have a calling to breathe life into the valleys of dry bones (Ezekiel 37 calling). My words have power behind them, and my life carries authority. My life shares that hope is real, and that HE is that hope. My life shares that love really exists, and that HE is that love, and that LOVE sets FREE. My life is a testimony that is continually being written.

And so I begin by sharing with you all. For if I ever want to see my destiny lived out, I cannot hide ever again. It is by remaining in shame and in a secretive, deceitful lifestyle that I remain in captivity when I am meant to be free for the sake of freedom. I want to see lives transformed because I AM TRANSFORMED.

I will thank God now every day that I remember that He has allowed me to battle this eating disorder, because He has definitely worked it out for the good (Romans 8:28). Lives will be changed. And I now consider myself beyond blessed because He has placed the most wonderful people in my life that I could ever ask for because I face it. People who fight with me, people who cheer me on, people who are DESPERATE to see me on the other end of this battle. These are the greatest friends anyone could ever have. The greatest spiritual FAMILY anyone could ever have. United by Christ's blood we are.

And now, after recognizing the freedom in testimony and how loved I truly am, something has snapped in me -- a desire to defeat this eating disorder once and for all. It will continue to be a recovery journey full of ups and downs, but I am desperate and willing to finally live out that freedom that will breathe life into the dead places and shine His light in the darkest of places.

Amen and amen.

I will never be the same,
Love has called my name;
from the ashes I rise to proclaim!
Your love is undefeated,
forever You will reign.
JUSTICE has won again!

It doesn't make sense.

More confusion has invaded my life than ever before. The severity of cycles that I am facing right now makes much more sense after coming to the realization that I want to be underweight more than I want to be happy/joyful/okay/able to love others. However, the confusion comes in because I do not understand WHY.

While a good portion of people who suffer from eating disorders, including myself a majority of the time, depression is more common while NOT engaging in behaviors because one cannot cope differently. When using symptoms, one is coping and probably numb. That is why "being underweight" or "losing weight" or whatever means more than being healthy. Because being healthy means having to deal with things and having to feel.

However, the opposite is true for me right now. I really cannot figure it out, and it makes no sense. When I am NOT engaging in eating disorder behaviors, my weight aside, I am content, I am confident in my identity in Christ, I can love other people, I feel loved by other people, I know who I am, I know what I want, I know where I am going. I am filled with His joy and His peace, and I AM coping healthily. I have dealt with most of the "trauma" in my life, I have learned how to forgive and work through things, and I have.

The problem is that I choose NOT to be here, to not be happy, ALL because I want to be underweight. I choose to be DEPRESSED (because using my ED MAKES me depressed) because being depressed MEANS I am losing weight. Something different than most with an ED. I feel so loved and so many people would rather me be healthier, and I would have healthier and happier relationships with all of these people, but I'd still rather be sick... because being sick means losing weight.

But I don't understand WHY. I don't know WHY I would rather be sad and miserable and look sick than be happy and look healthy. I have experienced BOTH sides of it in extreme measures, especially over the last two years. And, as much as I want God and to choose Him and His joy and freedom, I want to be underweight more.

I just do not understand it.

Something Worth Savoring

I am so grateful that as hopeless as everything seems right now, as weak as I am, as little happiness as I have, as bad as my eating disorder currently is, and as terrible of circumstances that my family is currently in, I am seeking the Lord. I am worshiping. I am singing to His holy Name. I am reading His Word. I am continuing to be vulnerable with the one or two people I need to be vulnerable with. I am still trying to do the things that need to get done.

I don’t think anyone knows how huge this is for me. Anyone. For as long as I’ve been a Christian (9 years now), whenever I feel this weak and lost in my ED, I RUN in shame from Him. This week is literally a FIRST. And I feel His love so much more than I ever have. His comfort. His goodness. His peace. His FATHERHOOD.

“Rest in my arm, My child. I’ve got you. I don’t see your flesh. I see My Son. And I see your heart. I see that your love for Me is real. Do not worry about disappointing me. I want you to be well because I love you, but I don’t love you any less because of this battle. I love that you will persevere for Me. I love you.”

This is what I hear.
For the first time in my life.

This is a necessary season as much as I hate every second of it — I do not know that without this season would I ever truly get His love for me. If He can still love me HERE… how could I ever deny His love? Ever?

Beautiful Papa… Beautiful Jesus… Your voice is like running waters… so soothing. Thank You.

I am abiding.
Keep me here with You
But don’t let me remain here

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." -2 Corinthians 4:18 

What is seen = MY circumstances.
What is unseen = HIS Presence

So, I fix my eyes not on [my finances, my family’s finances/bills/work, my family’s health, my health, my education, my relationships (or lack, thereof), my past, my trip being taken away from me, the people that have left me, my teeth, my health in general, my financial aid, my car, etc….] BECAUSE ALL OF THESE THINGS ARE TEMPORARY… but TODAY — RIGHT THIS MOMENT — I CHOOSE TO fix my eyes upon the fact that His Presence, Shekinah Glory, is here in this room with me. With an unveiled face I can stand in His Presence and experience His Glory. I can drink from a well that will never run dry RIGHT NOW.

Turning my eyes for this moment.
Lifting my eyes for this moment.
Gazing and abiding in this moment.

What if I would have known?

I wonder what my 12 year-old self would have thought if I had told her that skipping meals was not going to give her a friend. I wonder what my 16 year-old self would have thought when I told her that when she started purging everything she ate to get skinny and/or sick to get friends, it would fail.

I wonder what I would have thought if I would have told myself that it would ruin any attempt at making relationships for the many years to follow.

I am deceitful.
I am a liar.
I am manipulative.
I am controlling.
I am selfish.
I live behind thick walls.
I isolate myself.
I do not know how to act in social situations.
I don't know how to comfort or love people in person.
I don't know how to feel vulnerable.
I don't know how to let people see me cry.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE.

I wonder if I would not have continued on if I would have told myself that, at almost 23 years old, I can not even HAVE a healthy relationship because of the decisions I was making that I thought would make everything better.

It didn't work. I didn't get "skinny" and getting sick got me nowhere except... well... sick.

This is a big FFF YOU to Satan and my eating disorder.
I am done with you. I will not let you ruin my life anymore.

For the past six hours, I have been feeling the weight of everything that you have stolen from me. I have released so much hurt and pain. I cannot afford to keep doing this.

I have a life to live. I want to live it.

So, from this moment forward, I choose life. I choose to walk in the  identity that He has given me, IN which I have full confidence when I focus on that. I know who I am in Christ. I know exactly who I am in Christ. And it is in that identity I will choose to walk. I am not a slave to this disease any longer. I refuse to be gripped by chains any longer when I have the Spirit that resurrected Christ from COMPLETE DEATH living inside of me. I have been given AUTHORITY. I have been given the same glory that the Father gave the Son. I have no excuse to live a life bound any longer.

But.
Guess what?
You don't either.

And this isn't to say that I will not need to frequently remind myself of these truths. And you can feel free to remind me too.

True Repentence

My heart is broken at my sin. Over my life.

All I can think is, “I am the worst possible person in the world. Every person that has tried to love me, I have manipulated, tried to control, and pushed away. I have hurt them. Told them I hated them. And I never appreciated their love. And to this day, although they have shown me selfless love, I still doubt them.”

I hate what my eating disorder makes me. I hate the sinful, fleshly nature that I carry.

I live for myself. I live to satisfy my flesh.

But praise God that He has washed me white as snow, no longer sees these things, and has made His glory and nature available to me. Praise God that He made me new by His Spirit, and whensoever I choose to walk in this newness, I am not controlled by my flesh anymore. And praise God that He is teaching me how make this a reality in my life. Little. By. Little.

I desperately desire to live as He has called me to live. And each day I choose to deny my flesh and say NO to my illness, I get closer and closer to living in that true and new nature and being confident of my identity in Him.

May my heart never be hardened to the things of my life that break His heart.

May I learn more and more what it means to be truly repentant over my sin.

May I walk closer with the Spirit of the Living God every single day.

May I live more in the POWER that was given to me when the Spirit was released on Pentecost.

May I live more in victory every single day.

May my life become more about serving and loving others every day.

May I learn how to have healthy, non-manipulative relationships and  how to continue to break down my walls and stop pushing people away.

May I let people love me and love them in return.

May I be more like You EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Amen.

When did modesty lose its value?

It has been weighing heavily on my heart for quite awhile now. Sometimes I just feel so alone in my views that I shy away, terrified to speak up. And I know that there are many other women in my generation that feel the same way: the burden on the heart with a fear of voicing it.

The issue is modesty.

It's a difficult issue to talk about because it is hard to draw the line. It is not something where I can say, "Just don't touch alcohol and getting drunk won't be a problem." We can't just not wear clothes. So, where do we draw the line? What is acceptable and what is not?

Part of the issue is not even in the clothing, but in the way we carry ourselves. Modesty first and foremost reflects the entire Proverbs 31 woman. It is about having that gentle spirit. It is in the way one works, the way one speaks to others, the way one selflessly provides for others, and the way one dresses. So, in order to address modesty, the entire spectrum of the definition is important. And, while I feel the entire picture of a modest women has deteriorated, I feel as if the issue of modest appearance has become an almost terrifying thing.

I have made it an issue to ask about ten of my brothers in Christ over the past few months what their opinion of females in bikinis is specifically. "When you see a beautiful girl in a bikini, do you stumble?"

Not a single one of these men said no to me.

Now, while I understand very well that the problem lies within the sinful nature, not within the clothing itself, it still must be addressed because it still exists.

We are on this journey together. Brothers and sisters all aiming for the Highest Prize-- being face-to-face with our Creator, the Living God. So, we make it a point to see Him together. We do not do this alone.

So although I may not have all of the answers on where the line needs to be crossed, I do know that when a guy sees anything evenly remotely revealing, he will be tempted to stumble. Why is it that us women who BEAR THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST are unwilling to give up our DESIRE TO FIT IN WITH THE WORLD and LOOK GOOD in order to help our brothers? No one in our generation seems to care anymore what they wear or who they may be affecting (and this goes even outside of the realm of clothing).

We begin to forget that we are not here to please ourselves or others (by wearing clothing that is revealing to fit in or look good), and we are unwilling to live lives fully committed to His Kingdom -- including helping our brothers and sisters in Christ to not fall -- by leading them astray.

We need our brothers in Christ to be strong, to abstain from sin, so we need to help them as much as they help us.

Ladies, let's step it up. Stop wearing revealing clothing. Bathing suits around guys -- just think about it. Tight shirts and pants. Cleavage. Short skirts / dresses. Even obsessive makeup These things matter.

We do not exist on this earth to look good. We aren't here for anyone but our Creator. And He is already pleased -- ENTHRALLED -- with our beauty.

May we not forget that.
Step it up. Please.

Call me ultra conservative... but I really just love my brothers in Christ and I NEED THEM.

The Continuing Journey to Freedom

It is a terribly sad thing to me that so many people are unaware of the darkness that lies behind eating disorders. Terribly, terribly sad. Eating disorders are not simply choices that one makes in order to "look good." Eating disorders are symptoms of trauma, of abuse, of rape, of rejection, of abandonment, of anything else that can tear one's life apart. After having an eating disorder for most of my life, I am finally realizing that temporarily "quitting" behaviors does not do anything if the underlying issues are not dealt with, if true healing does not take place. Letting go of behaviors temporarily will then become just that -- temporarily letting go of behaviors. There will be a return. There will be relapse when the underlying issues resurface. And so I have this past week.

Over the past few weeks, a lot of really real and painful things have resurfaced in my life. From the messages in chapel, to the Holy Spirit individually revealing a lot of pain in my life, to eating meals alone just like in my past, to spending my weekends alone, to isolating, to realizing that I still have no idea how to handle social situations, to stresses of school, to family, to coming home, to not being able to deal with student teaching being so soon... I have had a very difficult last few weeks.

I am broken. I am weary. I am scared. But I have been learning how to start dealing with the underlying issues of an eating disorder that has consumed me for a good portion of my life.

But because of all of the stuff I have been trying to finally deal with, and because I've been allowing God to prune things in my life and bring true healing, I have become vulnerable. I have spent so much of my life attempting to numb my feelings and pushing the stuff that's real aside, having surface level relationships, and shutting people out -- now that all of this is changing, now that my walls are coming down, I'm in the midst of a really terrible relapse.

But the thing that is different throughout this is that I do not wish to be here. I long for health and I long for life. In the past I would argue that I was definitely in control and there was nothing wrong with me bingeing and purging consistently. Controlling what went in and what went out of my body meant that I was in control. In reality, I was more out of control than one would even think to be possible. Now that I have spent the past two months really recovering, I can recognize how out of control I am this week. And while in the midst of a binge I do not care, when I step outside of it for even one minute, I am broken. I am broken because I know His heart over me. I know that I have so much life ahead of me. I know that I am hurting the people who truly do love me. And I can see that my entire life is being stolen right before my eyes.

And I realize that I have to choose to refocus. I cannot change my behaviors right now by "willing them away", but I can choose to focus on what matters. And what matters is that I do have goals in life. I have things to fight for.

1. I have Argentina in two and a half months. I have a chance to be used by the living God, to bless the lives of others, to make a true difference in a hopeless situation. 
2. I have student teaching in 5 months. I am stepping into the realms of true professionalism, a career, of marking the lives of adolescents forever, of being the face of Jesus even when the Truth cannot be verbalized. 
3. I have a life of missions ahead of me. When I feel that God is calling me completely away from the American school system into a Spanish-speaking country full-term (or just during summers, or just temporarily... whatever it may be) -- I will be living in a place that is unfamiliar, risky, stressful, hard -- but I will be loving children and sharing Christ's love with them, which I was born to do.
4. I have a story to tell that will bring others who have dealt with mental illnesses hope. I have a testimony that will truly represent the resurrection of Christ, if I choose to continue to stay on this road of recovery.
5. God has given me the desire to be a mommy over anything in this world. The most important thing to me is having children, and I believe that He has blessed me with the gift of being a wonderful mother. I cannot wait to live this out! (And each time that I use disordered behaviors, my chance of being able to have children decreases.)
6. I cannot wait to have a family of my own to redeem everything that went wrong in my own. To have a husband whom I love, who loves my children, and children, whom I love, who are best friends with both me and my husband. We will worship the LORD together and read books together and watch Tangled together and serve together. And my children will grow up to be Holy Spirit warriors. And my husband and I will lift each other up in the Spirit together at all times. 
7. I have a body that deserves to be taken care of. I have a body that will need to face the tensions of the public school system, of the mission field, and of generally being His hands and feet. My body needs to be healthy for all that He has called me to. 

I am more than this disorder, and even in the face of relapse, I believe this with all of my heart. I am struggling with the fact that "nothing changed" in two months of no behaviors, and so I wanted my "excuse for any failures that I may have" (being sick being the excuse) back, but in reality -- it has taken me 10 years of developing an eating disorder to get this sick, it will take me more than 2 months until I am fully healed.

• It takes a lot of perseverance and surrendering to Him. 
• It takes continuing to break down my walls and being willing to build relationships that are beyond surface level.
• It takes being willing to take care of myself above everything else. It means that learning to love myself and my body must become a priority.
• It means that I stop being a people-pleaser, because I am important, and because Galatians 1:10 says I am not to be.
• It means that I believe that imperfection does not make me a failure.
• It means that God being in control is more important than controlling my body (which is truly me trying to control my out-of-control life).

I am struggling and fighting a very difficult battle that I feel like I am losing right now, but God is faithful and I believe that He will continue healing me, even in the midst of this relapse, even despite my inability to control my behaviors at this very second.

Every day is a new day. Every breath is a chance to speak out something positive. Every beat of my heart is another beat of learning to live. I am still here. I am still a fighter. I am still free because He has already paid the price for my freedom.

His blood is powerful. His Spirit is alive. His Gospel is my peace.

An Imperfect Runner / Lessons Learned

I have learned a terribly painful lesson in the last fifteen or so hours. Terribly painful. And, as I sit here and write this with tears in my eyes, I realize that I honestly could not be more thankful.

Over the course of my life, I have learned that the Almighty One works in beautiful ways. He is one who takes the worst of the worst situations and turns them into something beautiful. Hence, my life. Hence the life of almost every person who has ever made a difference in the name of Jesus. Thankfully, He has turned the pain of a very difficult night into something beautiful, something for His glory. I realize that I have learned two very, very important lessons from last night's events.

For an explanation of lesson number one, I will quote what a very dear friend of mine spoke to me last night: "It's probably good to have a mess-up for everyone, not just you -- because if we don't, it can so easily become another way to try to be perfect instead of seeking God. So, it sucks and it will be hard for a bit because it hurts to fall, but it gave you a good reminder and lesson." After reading it again this morning, I realize that there is not a statement that rings more true in my ears right now. My aim in walking in victory has become something more about perfection than it has about glorifying God. And now that I slipped-up a bit, it has created a fresh desire to seek Him instead of perfection within me. I am coming to believe deep within my heart that God really does see my heart, not my mistakes. And that really changes my perspective on things. A lot. Because I desire to serve Him, and I desire to glorify Him in everything I say and everything that I do, but when I start falling so easily into that "I have to be perfect or He will be angry" phase, my entire sense of direction is off. I feel as if I may be walking the right path because it shows in my actions, but I really am not (and was not) because my heart was off. And, now that I have messed up (oh, how weak is my flesh), He has had the chance to switch the direction of my compass back to His heart instead of my perfection. Oh, bless His holy Name.

Lesson number two is the painful lesson. It's the lesson of discipline-- the lesson of hearing Daddy's voice of discipline so clearly, you momentarily drop your head in shame. However, I stand on the fact that shame was defeated at the Cross, so I receive that discipline now, feeling the pain of it, but knowing it is important. I am not ashamed of falling anymore. I spent all morning and early afternoon in my bed, under my covers, afraid that coming out would mean facing reality. But, I realized I could not stay there forever. All I heard was, "Repent. Run to the Cross. Repent. Run to the Cross." all morning. But instead I felt the weight of what I had done so regrettably that I could not come out. Thankfully, I have a gentle Savior, who reminded me of Hebrews 12:11 -- discipline is not pleasant at the time, but it produces peace and righteousness. I decided it was time to arise from my slumber and repent. Upon doing so, lesson number two came to life. I realized that if I had stayed in my bed dwelling in my sin, I would be miserable for a LONG time. I would never believe He had forgiven me, and I would never forgive myself. But upon the reminder of this verse, I realized that I was forgiven, that He just wanted me to run to the Cross, to be at His feet, and to let it go. And so I did. The amazing part? Upon confessing, repenting, and sitting at His feet, I am not bound to my mistake anymore. I feel no shame, I don't feel defeated, I don't feel regret. I feel thankful that I have learned to accept His rebuke and let it go, and that His forgiveness means that I can forgive myself.

Does messing up suck? Heck. Yes. It. Does. Badly. But I see the good in this. I see that I have learned two lessons that needed to be learned sooner or later.

And I learned something else. My Mighty Savior has brought me so far over these past two months that I now realize that I can fall and not stay down anymore. I believe that seeing this played out shows me truly how far I have come -- greater than a constant UP, UP, UP would have. I stumble, and I continue to finish the race STRONG.

Christianity is not about running a perfect marathon. Nor is recovery. It's about running hard after the Prize -- but getting back up regardless of how imperfect the race is.

I am no less free than I was yesterday. I am no less sustained.
In fact -- I would venture to say that I have been set MORE free by His discipline and teaching.

Praise God.

Victims of a broken world, where hurting people hurt people, and the cycle never ends...

There has been a deep aching in my soul to write for the past couple of days, but it's almost as if I have been so unaware of how to write what I want to write that I am looking into a deep void. For days now, my stomach has been in knots -- knots so painful that I believe they are what caused me to have flu-like symptoms last night. I am yearning for relief from the brokenness of this world. I am yearning to see relief not only for myself, but for those around me. Abba Father has opened my eyes to so much reality lately, to the sick condition of our world. I no longer look at what we call society's "low-lives" today as such; I see them as helpless victims who are, too, yearning for that relief.

I'm not one to be fake anymore. I've had my fair share of masks [all 22 years of my life]. I've had my fair share of pretending to be a perfect Christian [all 9 years of my new life]. I am so tired of it.

And so I will say -- I've spent my entire life looking at broken people with judgement in my heart. I've spent my life looking at prostitutes and porn stars as idiots, losers, low-lives, disgusting, terrible people. I've looked at drug-addicts and alcoholics as the same. Wasting their lives, caring about nobody but themselves.

The sad reality of it all is that I myself am an addict. I have had an eating disorder for as long as I can possibly remember. I don't know life outside of spending hundreds of dollars on food and purging sometimes up to 20-something times a day. This has been my entire life and identity for as long as I can think back to Why? Because I want to look good? Does the prostitute sell her body because she wants to feel good? No. And no. I have a disease, a mental illness, that stems from the deepest wounds known to mankind. I have an emptiness I long to fill, and so I eat, a numbness I long to deal with, and so I purge, a longing for control in a world unable to be controlled, and so I defile my body in any way I find able. My eating disorder is my identity, all I know, and it's a mask I've hid behind for most of my life. I have had feelings of unworthiness that cause me to not care how my body is treated that stem from being a victim of a broken world, where hurting people hurt people, and the cycle never ends.

I'm just like the prostitutes, the porn stars, and the drug addicts. All part of a world where feeling like the body is worth anything is unheard of, and is therefore something to be thrown away. Why? Because of wounds. Wounds that feel impossible to be healed. One reality that my eyes have been opened to over the past year is that almost every single prostitute and porn star in our world has been trafficked by broken men. As someone who has struggled with pornography, I can tell you that I have seen the pain deep within the eyes of the women, but I never would have guessed that they were victims of slavery. Young, vulnerable girls who feel like their lives are worthless and that selling their bodies is the only thing that they are worth. These are girls who have been enslaved for sex. Society sees them as women who are just stupid, sick, and making stupid choices. I know, I once did too. But, they are victims of a broken world, where hurting people hurt people, and the cycle never ends.

And, all I want to do is reach out, to no longer be the victim, but the over-comer. What this world needs is a group of radical lovers, people who will open their hearts to truly receiving the heart of the Father for His children. When will we stop automatically jumping to conclusions when we see a 16-year-old girl that is pregnant? "Oh, she's just a slut." How do you know that that 16-year-old has not spent her life as one who has been ignored, and gave her body to a man just to be seen and heard? Or, how do we know that this girl was not raped and made the beautiful decision of letting that baby live, hoping that he or she would have be their redemption? How do we know the "druggies" are not hurting so much because of the negligence or abuse they endure at home that they have no other choice but to be numb? How do we know that the girl with anorexia does not come from a completely out-of-control household where her entire life seems to be spinning out of perspective, and all she can do is control her body? Or, how do we know she was not raped and feels her body is so worthless that she starves it away? How do we know that the cutter that hides in black is not a truly beautiful person inside who has never been given the chance to see the sunshine behind the clouds? And maybe they are crying out for attention because we are people who ALL long for attention, and they really are unable to get it in any other way. They are all victims of a broken world, where hurting people hurt people, and the cycle never ends.

When will we look past all of this? When will we allow the heart of the Father to become one with our sinful, judgmental hearts?

We are all broken people, longing, crying, aching for redemption, for peace, for some sort of relief. It is hard to see and recognize beyond all of the chaos of this world that we are all looking for reconciliation with the Father. Ecclesiastes 3:10 says that eternity has been set in the hearts of all people. We are all born for eternity. We are born for relationship with the Father, but when everything around us spins out of control, and everyone is hurting, and everyone is hurting everyone else, it is terribly difficult to see or recognize this.

So, in our pain, we put on our masks, and we point the finger. All the while we have the resurrected Christ crying out to us, "Come, My beloved, My sister, My bride! Come and follow Me. I have so much better for you. I have life to the full. I have life beyond all of this. I have a well of freedom for you to drink from. You will never go thirsty again. I have love for you that is better than wine. I just long for you to drink from this. Just take my hand. We'll do this together. We will do this together. We WILL do this TOGETHER. You don't do anything. Just take my hand. You're not alone. You're not alone. Do you hear Me, My beloved? You're NOT ALONE."

But we sit content in our Christian lives, hiding behind our "Christian 'fines'" and masks, and we judge. And we judge. And we judge. We hear the messages -- "reach out to the broken" ... "love the unlovable" ... "speak life into the dead valleys." And we're convicted, but we are so broken ourselves that we do not realize what it means. And so the "outcasts" and the "prostitutes" are still alone. Unloved. Judged. Condemned. Unfairly... Victims of a broken world, where hurting people hurt people, and the cycle never ends.

And so I am broken, and I am yearning for relief. I yearn because I am one still healing and still being set free -- I am one who HAS SEEN and who KNOWS the miraculous healing and restoration of the Father. And because He has, IN MY HEALING, opened my eyes to all of this. I long to DO something, to BE love. But I long for this message to awaken the hearts of God's people. I long to speak to a world of broken Christ-followers to allow the PERFECT, UNBROKEN heart of the Father become one with their hearts.

I yearn for the day of Christ's return. I yearn, and I yearn, and I yearn. I am desperate to see to see tears wiped away and complete restoration finally come. I am desperate for our "resurrected and glorious bodies" to finally be something we can be happy with. I am desperate for that time when pain is gone forever. For everybody.

But I know that while I am here, I am here to share my story. I am here to speak about the healing of Christ. About that well that never runs dry. About the heart of the Father that perfects our hearts. About the salvation of Christ that makes us perfect in His sight. I'm desperate to be WITH the broken people -- the prostitutes, the drug addicts, the eating disordered, the orphaned, the homeless. I yearn for their healing on this earth before Christ comes. I hurt with them, alongside them, hand-in-hand with them. And I'm willing to be broken for their sake, because I've experienced it, and I know it -- but also because I know it doesn't stop there. There is HOPE. There is hope for the hopeless. There is a LOVE that heals. There is a resurrected Savior that brings life to the fullest. And I won't keep this to myself. I've EXPERIENCED the resurrection of the Messiah. I've seen the valley of the dry bones awaken. I've TASTED the goodness of the Father. And I won't be alone in this.

I want you to join me.
 (We do not stay victims with a victim mentality - we become ones who overcome with the resurrected Messiah.)

Endless Pursuit of the Bridegroom

After a very in-depth conversation over coffee with one of my longest friendships, I can only sit here with tears in my eyes over the Church. I've been at this point many times, sure. Heck, I've even been here so many times that it's made up 90% of the times I have turned my back on Jesus Christ, if only for a day. But this time is different. This time I weep because He weeps; I weep alongside Him. I feel the heart of God over His bride. I literally feel the heart of God.

Just for a little bit of background information -- God has given me a spiritual gift that sometimes I wish I did not have. I don't know the name of the gift, but it is a gift related to feeling the heart of the Father all of the time. When the Father's heart breaks, it breaks my heart immensely and leaves me paralyzed in pain, weeping at His feet, interceding. When my Father rejoices, I rejoice to the point where I seem like a maniac and I cannot stop dancing and praising.

Well, my heart is broken for His bride. My heart breaks because we are a bride to be preparing for that day, the day of His wedding, yet no one is paying attention. This is our Bridegroom, desperate for His bride to be together with Him, and relentlessly He pursues her, but it breaks His heart that she does not pursue Him back.

Imagine being in relationship with someone who loved you. Like really, really loved you. And they pursued you day in and day out. Your friends and your family knew briefly of this person in your life, you would even go as far to say that you loved them and were in a relationship with them, but as they continually pursued you, you never saw yourself putting forth the effort to pursue him or her back. "I love you a lot," you would tell them at the end of the day. "I'm glad you're in my life," sometimes you would mutter. But, after hearing these words, the person could only weep because they did not feel that you truly loved them back. Your actions did not line up with your words. Sure, you knew them. And sure, you briefly talked about them. But they weren't like that. They pursued you. And pursued you. And pursued them. Yet, their heart was broken because there was no true communication of love between the two of you.

This is how God feels toward His bride, the ones who claim to know Him, to love Him, to be in a relationship with Him. Pursue them relentlessly, He will continue to do, no matter how broken His heart becomes. Thankfully He can do that. We, as mere humans, do not have the strength within us to continually pursue the one who does not desire us. But, He, as the I AM, can and will continually pursue us with His heart broken for us.

Just read the book of Hosea.

¹³ I will punish her for the days
   she burned incense to the Baals;
she decked herself with rings and jewelry,
   and went after her lovers,
   but me she forgot,”
            declares the LORD.
 ¹⁴ “Therefore I am now going to allure her;
   I will lead her into the wilderness
   and speak tenderly to her.
¹⁵ There I will give her back her vineyards,
   and will make the Valley of Achor^[b] a door of hope.
There she will respond^[c] as in the days of her youth,
   as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
 ¹⁶ “In that day,” declares the LORD,
   “you will call me ‘my husband’;
   you will no longer call me ‘my master.^[d]’
(Hosea 2:13-16)

And what amazes me even more is what the LORD says in chapter 11 of Hosea:

But how can I give up on you, Ephraim?
   How can I turn you loose, Israel?
How can I leave you to be ruined like Admah,
   devastated like luckless Zeboim?
I can't bear to even think such thoughts.
   My insides churn in protest.
And so I'm not going to act on my anger.
   I'm not going to destroy Ephraim.
And why? Because I am God and not a human.
   I'm The Holy One and I'm here—in your very midst.
(Hosea 11:8-9)

He pursues. Relentlessly. And He HATES to be separated from us. But, as Hosea says, we have turned to other lovers and chosen to forget Him. We, His bride, have chosen to turn our backs on Him. We claim to know Him, but we look to idols. We are the Israel in this story. We cheat on our Beloved King with other lovers. This does not mean people -- though it can -- it means anything that we look to because we really don't believe He is enough. We see other things in this world that we want, so we turn our attention away from Him.

When you look at the life of a lover, you see love. You SEE love.

source: tumblr.com

Close your eyes for a minute and imagine a couple in their late 90's, married for 65 years. This couple thrives in health because they have lived happily together for 65 years. They have spent every single day of their lives together -- and when something came up that might distract one from the other, they fought to be together still. Picnics, walks in the park, quilting, coffee dates, exercise tapes, explored, and drinking lemonade together on the beach consumed their free time together. The minute they got home from work, they embraced each other and danced around the house together. And, now, at 90 years old, they are still happy together. Eternal love took sacrifice. It took time. It took making every moment about the other person. It took pushing aside anything that might come between that love, no matter how hard it was.

God wants this from us. Like that couple's relationship, love is not boring. Love was sweet like lemonade. Love was active like walking. Love was thrilling like exploring. Love was relaxing like quilting. Love WAS. Love IS. Love is an action verb. It means being together. It means DOING together. It means ACTING together. It means PUSHING ASIDE what stands between love.

But we aren't willing.

God calls us to pursue this thrilling, relaxing, active, and sweet relationship with Himself. He calls us to deny ourselves. Not to punish us, but because He wants to be able to share with us His love, the most choice wine possible. But when we allow STUFF to come between us, His heart breaks because He can't share His love with us. His love that is greater, wider, and longer than we can ever understand.

So, His heart breaks. Not because we are being condemned, but because He has so much to offer us and we deny it. We deny drinking the tastiest wine there is.

And until we open our hearts enough, until we learn to deny ourselves even a little and push aside this BROKEN WORLD, we cannot taste that love. And until we truly TASTE His love, until we truly ENCOUNTER THIS MAN, Jesus Christ, who is ALIVE, and who is ACTIVE, and who is ENDLESSLY pursuing us... we will continue to desire other things.

So He calls us to open our hearts. To be radically loved. To just make the choice once. Then twice. Then three times. Deny ourselves. Deny ME, ME, ME. And soak in His presence. Take a walk with Him when you feel like playing a video game. Sit and drink coffee with Him when you feel like watching that movie. Try it. Just try it. Once. Twice. Three times.

Just choose to be loved. That choice to be RADICALLY loved will create a desire in YOU to love HIM endlessly beyond just the "I love you" statement. We love because He first loved us. We love because He first loved us. We endlessly pursue Him because we ENCOUNTER the relentless love of the Bridegroom.

Take this as a challenge.

Blogging is not new to me; It has been a time-consumer of mine for a good portion of my life, actually. It is one of those things that has helped me to feel sane and has aided in a lot of healing that I have experienced in my life, as well as feeling understood and wanted. However, I would never say that it was not until recently that I decided to really turn my blogging into something glorifying to the LORD.

Have you ever known one of those people who always had too much to say, but never knew how to express it in words? That's how I feel, all of the time. I feel as if there are oceans of words inside of my heart, waiting to be surfed. Waters waiting to be enjoyed. Sometimes the waters inside of my heart are risky. Scary, even. But they need a chance to be tested. They need someone willing to explore them.

It's time, though, that I pour my heart out on paper. It's time to create meaning from the storms inside of me. It's time to turn my brokenness into something beautiful.

And... dare I say it?

It's time to put my story out there, be it something people are willing to invest in.

Here I am. (Send me.)
Here I am. (Send me.)
Here I am. (Send me.)

They say three times is a charm. Three times. I mean it.

Christina: Christ-follower. Worshiper of the King. One who is delighted in. Hephzibah. Beautiful daughter. Princess. Royalty. Sincere, compassionate, genuine, loving, open, broken, healing.

One who is loved.
One who is redeemed.

Welcome to my heart.