It doesn't make sense.

More confusion has invaded my life than ever before. The severity of cycles that I am facing right now makes much more sense after coming to the realization that I want to be underweight more than I want to be happy/joyful/okay/able to love others. However, the confusion comes in because I do not understand WHY.

While a good portion of people who suffer from eating disorders, including myself a majority of the time, depression is more common while NOT engaging in behaviors because one cannot cope differently. When using symptoms, one is coping and probably numb. That is why "being underweight" or "losing weight" or whatever means more than being healthy. Because being healthy means having to deal with things and having to feel.

However, the opposite is true for me right now. I really cannot figure it out, and it makes no sense. When I am NOT engaging in eating disorder behaviors, my weight aside, I am content, I am confident in my identity in Christ, I can love other people, I feel loved by other people, I know who I am, I know what I want, I know where I am going. I am filled with His joy and His peace, and I AM coping healthily. I have dealt with most of the "trauma" in my life, I have learned how to forgive and work through things, and I have.

The problem is that I choose NOT to be here, to not be happy, ALL because I want to be underweight. I choose to be DEPRESSED (because using my ED MAKES me depressed) because being depressed MEANS I am losing weight. Something different than most with an ED. I feel so loved and so many people would rather me be healthier, and I would have healthier and happier relationships with all of these people, but I'd still rather be sick... because being sick means losing weight.

But I don't understand WHY. I don't know WHY I would rather be sad and miserable and look sick than be happy and look healthy. I have experienced BOTH sides of it in extreme measures, especially over the last two years. And, as much as I want God and to choose Him and His joy and freedom, I want to be underweight more.

I just do not understand it.