What if I would have known?

I wonder what my 12 year-old self would have thought if I had told her that skipping meals was not going to give her a friend. I wonder what my 16 year-old self would have thought when I told her that when she started purging everything she ate to get skinny and/or sick to get friends, it would fail.

I wonder what I would have thought if I would have told myself that it would ruin any attempt at making relationships for the many years to follow.

I am deceitful.
I am a liar.
I am manipulative.
I am controlling.
I am selfish.
I live behind thick walls.
I isolate myself.
I do not know how to act in social situations.
I don't know how to comfort or love people in person.
I don't know how to feel vulnerable.
I don't know how to let people see me cry.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE.

I wonder if I would not have continued on if I would have told myself that, at almost 23 years old, I can not even HAVE a healthy relationship because of the decisions I was making that I thought would make everything better.

It didn't work. I didn't get "skinny" and getting sick got me nowhere except... well... sick.

This is a big FFF YOU to Satan and my eating disorder.
I am done with you. I will not let you ruin my life anymore.

For the past six hours, I have been feeling the weight of everything that you have stolen from me. I have released so much hurt and pain. I cannot afford to keep doing this.

I have a life to live. I want to live it.

So, from this moment forward, I choose life. I choose to walk in the  identity that He has given me, IN which I have full confidence when I focus on that. I know who I am in Christ. I know exactly who I am in Christ. And it is in that identity I will choose to walk. I am not a slave to this disease any longer. I refuse to be gripped by chains any longer when I have the Spirit that resurrected Christ from COMPLETE DEATH living inside of me. I have been given AUTHORITY. I have been given the same glory that the Father gave the Son. I have no excuse to live a life bound any longer.

But.
Guess what?
You don't either.

And this isn't to say that I will not need to frequently remind myself of these truths. And you can feel free to remind me too.