As I have spent extensive time seeking the Lord over this past month, it seems that He has brought everything I have learned to one central point.
I've soaked in His unfailing love for me.
I've meditated on being a child of God.
I've made it a point to call God "Daddy" or "Papa."
I've studied on avoiding temptation.
I've sought out what true holiness means.
I've focused on eagerly awaiting His return.
I've deliberately studied the life of Jesus.
I've recognized what being a new creation means.
I've understood the true meaning of baptism.
I've gazed into His beautiful eyes for hours.
I've practiced the gifts of the Spirit (prophecy, healing, tongues).
All of this has come to one central point in my heart: my identity in Christ.
Today I realized what may be the most important thing I have ever realized: temptation is not avoided by trying to avoid temptation. Temptation is avoided because I know who I am in Christ.
As I have specifically been working on recovering from my eating disorder and fighting the temptation to continually use behaviors and to focus on my body/losing weight, I have come to the conclusion that these things will NEVER in my life be defeated if I focus on stopping them. In fact, in Colossians 2:20-23 we learn that by trying NOT to do things, we will most likely end up doing them. (Yes, this is in the Bible, read it for yourself!)
The only way I will ever beat this eating disorder, the only way I will ever have complete victory over temptation and other such things in life, is by knowing WHO I am in Christ and WHOSE I am in general.
And so everything I have spent time focusing on over this past month has come down to that: GOD, SHOW ME WHO I AM.
How You love me shows me who I am.
How I am Your CHILD shows me who I am.
How You're my DADDY shows me who I am.
How I have victory temptation shows me who I am!
How I live holy and how I AM holy shows me who I am.
How I so desperately long for Your return shows me who I am.
How I can live to be Your hands and feet by Your example shows me who I am.
How I have been completely made knew and died to my old self shows me who I am.
How I became that new creation and died to my old self by coming out of the water shows me who I am.
How I can spend hours upon hours, even into the early morning on some days, gazing into Your eyes shows me who I am.
How I can experienced the gifts that being filled with Your Spirit provides, to both edify myself and the Body, and to live in Your complete healing shows me who I am.
I AM YOURS.
And so I've been learning.
I will overcome,
and I HAVE overcome,
because I am YOURS.
A child of God.
A princess of the King.
A holy servant of the great High Priest.
One who has COMPLETE inheritance in Your Kingdom.
Who has authority and power because You've given me those keys.
And this is why I'm free. This is why I can live free.
And, so I have learned the greatest lesson over this past month.
And, so I will continue to keep pressing into this every single day of my life.
I say YES and AMEN to all You have for me.
I want it all. I won't settle with a little of You, God. I want the full knowledge of You. I want in to Your mysteries, because they are my inheritance. I will never settle or be satisfied. I will always pursue You more and more and more because I KNOW WHO I AM IN YOU.
Amen.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Thursday, January 31, 2013
And the Truth will set you free.
Being in church for the past ten years, I have heard this verse quoted time and time again. You shall know the Truth, and the Truth shall set you free. However, I do not believe that it was until this past week that I really understood what that meant. I am thankful for all of the things God has done in my life over the past few years, and I am thankful for every trial I have faced, but never have I experienced thanksgiving like I am experiencing it now. The weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders and the chains that have kept me in bondage are truly breaking off of me.
Growing up, I was a problem child. While I do not remember most of my childhood, I remember one thing specifically: I was disobedient. Through my constant disobedience and inability to act like "good children" did, I was diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication that caused severe hallucinations and nightmares. As I got older, the label was taken away and the medicine was stopped. My behavior was improving in many instances. I began giving myself more and more to my schoolwork, and it was partially the focus of my life. However, it was at this time that I began to understand that whatever labels were put on me, I needed to match up to. I was a bad child, so I needed to be punished. Soon I would learn how to begin doing that.
While my behavior in school was improving, the constant torment and abuse that I was enduring in school was not. From as far back as I can remember, I was bullied in school. Physically, verbally, and emotionally abused. Thank God that He protected me from any sexual abuse that could have made an even greater indent on my life. By the time I entered sixth grade, I still held onto the label of being a misbehaved child and eventually took on the label of being "worthless" because it was the way my peers treated me, and sadly enough, even my teachers a lot of the time. Moving from Tennessee to Illinois in fifth grade was a culture shock for me, and I did not respond well to it. I was withdrawn, I was awkward, I was different -- and kids made sure that I knew that.
So, a "bad kid" and "worthless" became the two labels that I would live under. I began believing that I deserved to be punished more than I had been in order to "fix myself." I was a larger kid (by no means large) when I was in middle school, and that, of course, added to my worthlessness. So, both believing that I deserved punishment and that I would be less worthless if I was prettier or if I was skinnier, I began to not let myself eat. Somehow I began to believe that this would "fix me" and that it would affect the identity I had been given at such a young age, but it only began to get worse.
In seventh grade I became so depressed that I would lie in bed from the moment I got home from school until leaving for school the next morning. I would either completely numb myself or feel so much hatred toward myself that I would uncontrollably weep, and I was terrified to go to school because I did not want to face the torment. However, now a new label was placed over me -- depressed. Soon enough, the cops and professionals were involved in my life. I knew that only I could fix me, though, so I made sure that they left my life as quickly as they had entered.
I had new labels to live up to. I realized that starving myself was not fixing me and that it was not creating a less worthless person. So, if I could not change and become a better person, I decided it would be best to live up to these labels. I sank into an even deeper depression, believing that it was my new identity. My eating disorder continued to be a part of my life, as well as my new-found form of punishment -- cutting, and by the time I was a senior in high school, these things were not only a label, they were my entire life. I was doing something right. I was becoming something, and I was damn good at it.
It was not until I was 18 years old that I officially allowed myself to be diagnosed with an eating disorder, because I wanted to make sure I had succeeded enough at it before I admitted it. It was a label I placed over my life -- no one else, at this point -- and until I had fully succeeded, I was not going to let anyone.
However, once diagnosed with bulimia (a failure in itself, because I believed you had to be an anorexic to truly be sick -- I was just weak), I believed, truly believed, it was who it was, and I was going to give the rest of my life over to being just that -- bulimic. And so the next few years continued, falling deeper and deeper as a prey into this disease.
Of course I have been a Christian since I was a freshman in high school, and I had heard things like "the old has gone, the new has come" and that I am "free from sin" and that, when I was baptized, I became a "new creation." However, understanding those things and believing them enough to walk in them seemed nearly impossible. I believed that the labels I had already been striving to conform to were the labels I would have to keep shooting for.
So, I continued living up to my identity. I was depressed. I was bulimic. And as long as I believed those things, I would continue to be those things. Finally losing my cognitive abilities and my physical health, finally ending up hospitalized, finally being successful and finally being someone caused me to want to continue even further into the spiral of illness. I continued to believe the lie from my childhood that I was a "bad kid" and needed to be punished, and I continued to live up to these things.
Up until now. It took me being told that I am dying to truly want to live. And not because I'm choosing to, but because God is opening my eyes.
Two truths have smacked me in the face over the past week. And I have experienced breakthrough like never before due to the realization of these truths. I've heard them for most of my life. I've pretended I've believed them for most of my life. But I've never understood them enough to believe them.
And now I believe them.
I have died to sin. I am dead to sin. And Jesus has already taken the punishment for my sins. I no longer need to punish myself, and I no longer need to measure up to the label of being a "bad kid." Not only do I not need to be punished for my sins, but I don't have to live in sin. I don't have to sin. My label is not that of a sinner, or in earthly terms "a bad kid/person," -- my new label is that of holy, righteous, perfected in Christ. And, if I believe that, which I do for the first time in my life, I truly will live as one who is free from sin. I don't need to sin, I don't need to live as a sinner, and I do not need to punish myself if and when I do stumble.
And, secondly, I am a new creation in Christ. No, I am not depressed. No, I am not controlled by bulimia, or anorexia, or anxiety, or any mental illness. I am not bad. I am not worthless. These things were a part of me and could label me all they want before I accepted Christ. They had a right to. I belonged to the world, so the world could label me. But, I don't belong to the world anymore. I belong to Christ, and only He can label me. And He has! He has called me a new creation. I don't HAVE to live up to my old identities anymore! I don't HAVE to be bulimic. I don't HAVE to be anorexic. I don't HAVE to be a self-injurer. I don't HAVE to be fearful/anxious anymore. I don't HAVE to be depressed. Those aren't my identity.
Hallelujah! What a freedom! What a freedom! Hallelujah! What a God!
Growing up, I was a problem child. While I do not remember most of my childhood, I remember one thing specifically: I was disobedient. Through my constant disobedience and inability to act like "good children" did, I was diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication that caused severe hallucinations and nightmares. As I got older, the label was taken away and the medicine was stopped. My behavior was improving in many instances. I began giving myself more and more to my schoolwork, and it was partially the focus of my life. However, it was at this time that I began to understand that whatever labels were put on me, I needed to match up to. I was a bad child, so I needed to be punished. Soon I would learn how to begin doing that.
While my behavior in school was improving, the constant torment and abuse that I was enduring in school was not. From as far back as I can remember, I was bullied in school. Physically, verbally, and emotionally abused. Thank God that He protected me from any sexual abuse that could have made an even greater indent on my life. By the time I entered sixth grade, I still held onto the label of being a misbehaved child and eventually took on the label of being "worthless" because it was the way my peers treated me, and sadly enough, even my teachers a lot of the time. Moving from Tennessee to Illinois in fifth grade was a culture shock for me, and I did not respond well to it. I was withdrawn, I was awkward, I was different -- and kids made sure that I knew that.
So, a "bad kid" and "worthless" became the two labels that I would live under. I began believing that I deserved to be punished more than I had been in order to "fix myself." I was a larger kid (by no means large) when I was in middle school, and that, of course, added to my worthlessness. So, both believing that I deserved punishment and that I would be less worthless if I was prettier or if I was skinnier, I began to not let myself eat. Somehow I began to believe that this would "fix me" and that it would affect the identity I had been given at such a young age, but it only began to get worse.
In seventh grade I became so depressed that I would lie in bed from the moment I got home from school until leaving for school the next morning. I would either completely numb myself or feel so much hatred toward myself that I would uncontrollably weep, and I was terrified to go to school because I did not want to face the torment. However, now a new label was placed over me -- depressed. Soon enough, the cops and professionals were involved in my life. I knew that only I could fix me, though, so I made sure that they left my life as quickly as they had entered.
I had new labels to live up to. I realized that starving myself was not fixing me and that it was not creating a less worthless person. So, if I could not change and become a better person, I decided it would be best to live up to these labels. I sank into an even deeper depression, believing that it was my new identity. My eating disorder continued to be a part of my life, as well as my new-found form of punishment -- cutting, and by the time I was a senior in high school, these things were not only a label, they were my entire life. I was doing something right. I was becoming something, and I was damn good at it.
It was not until I was 18 years old that I officially allowed myself to be diagnosed with an eating disorder, because I wanted to make sure I had succeeded enough at it before I admitted it. It was a label I placed over my life -- no one else, at this point -- and until I had fully succeeded, I was not going to let anyone.
However, once diagnosed with bulimia (a failure in itself, because I believed you had to be an anorexic to truly be sick -- I was just weak), I believed, truly believed, it was who it was, and I was going to give the rest of my life over to being just that -- bulimic. And so the next few years continued, falling deeper and deeper as a prey into this disease.
Of course I have been a Christian since I was a freshman in high school, and I had heard things like "the old has gone, the new has come" and that I am "free from sin" and that, when I was baptized, I became a "new creation." However, understanding those things and believing them enough to walk in them seemed nearly impossible. I believed that the labels I had already been striving to conform to were the labels I would have to keep shooting for.
So, I continued living up to my identity. I was depressed. I was bulimic. And as long as I believed those things, I would continue to be those things. Finally losing my cognitive abilities and my physical health, finally ending up hospitalized, finally being successful and finally being someone caused me to want to continue even further into the spiral of illness. I continued to believe the lie from my childhood that I was a "bad kid" and needed to be punished, and I continued to live up to these things.
Up until now. It took me being told that I am dying to truly want to live. And not because I'm choosing to, but because God is opening my eyes.
Two truths have smacked me in the face over the past week. And I have experienced breakthrough like never before due to the realization of these truths. I've heard them for most of my life. I've pretended I've believed them for most of my life. But I've never understood them enough to believe them.
And now I believe them.
I have died to sin. I am dead to sin. And Jesus has already taken the punishment for my sins. I no longer need to punish myself, and I no longer need to measure up to the label of being a "bad kid." Not only do I not need to be punished for my sins, but I don't have to live in sin. I don't have to sin. My label is not that of a sinner, or in earthly terms "a bad kid/person," -- my new label is that of holy, righteous, perfected in Christ. And, if I believe that, which I do for the first time in my life, I truly will live as one who is free from sin. I don't need to sin, I don't need to live as a sinner, and I do not need to punish myself if and when I do stumble.
And, secondly, I am a new creation in Christ. No, I am not depressed. No, I am not controlled by bulimia, or anorexia, or anxiety, or any mental illness. I am not bad. I am not worthless. These things were a part of me and could label me all they want before I accepted Christ. They had a right to. I belonged to the world, so the world could label me. But, I don't belong to the world anymore. I belong to Christ, and only He can label me. And He has! He has called me a new creation. I don't HAVE to live up to my old identities anymore! I don't HAVE to be bulimic. I don't HAVE to be anorexic. I don't HAVE to be a self-injurer. I don't HAVE to be fearful/anxious anymore. I don't HAVE to be depressed. Those aren't my identity.
Hallelujah! What a freedom! What a freedom! Hallelujah! What a God!
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
The Power of Testimony for Freedom
Tonight something major took place in the spiritual realm. Something that gave me the drive again to write about the goodness of my God. First of all, how blessed I really am has hit me. But first, first I want to give thanks and praise to my God and glorify His name for the freedom that He has blessed me with. Even if I still struggle, the amount of freedom that I have had over the past year is beyond words. I never imagined being in a place where writing parts of my testimony and sharing my struggles would be a semi-normal thing.
Being honest about how I am doing and battles I am facing was never an occurrence for me: I was a professional liar, faker, pretender, you name it. Especially because my battle is with an eating disorder, anorexia (and bulimia) nervosa, one of the most shameful things ever. It is a mental illness that people don't just discuss. Full of disgust and shame. A secret to be kept forever. Or so I thought. That is until Jesus began speaking freedom over me this past year. His banner over me is love and freedom, and when He renamed me "Hephzibah," or "My Delight is in Her" in December of 2010, I knew I would never be the same.
I gained an understanding of "what you keep in the dark will keep you in the dark." I knew that in order to really live a life full of the joy that He brings, I had to begin being real. Really being real. I had to begin sharing my story, bits and pieces, little by little, to people here and there. I had to stop hiding and start being vulnerable. I knew that as one delighted in, I had a destiny greater than I would ever imagine. I knew that after a battle for my mind, my heart, my soul, and my entire body physically (aka, coming close to death from my eating disorder multiple times), the calling on my life was worth fighting for. Even when I could not fight it. And that is why it was so crucial to have others fighting for me -- something only done by creating a vulnerability.
And so this year came and went, and I opened up to and became vulnerable with several people, make for THREE MORE over the past month, even while coming out of my hardest season. The Lord gave me courage to begin living out my testimony by beginning to allow several people in to physically BE a part of my story, creating bonds that would never be broken. And as I grew more and more able to walk the road of recovery with vulnerability and honesty, I came to realize that freedom came from exposing the darkness, bringing to light the power of Satan in my life.
And every single day, whether it was important to me at the time or not, I knew without a doubt that there was an incredible calling for my life, and that the battle for my life was not going to end anytime soon. And so I got sicker and sicker as the year crawled along. Getting kicked off of my mission trip because I was "too sick" in my eating disorder to be in a foreign country really topped it off. Satan threw at me lie after lie, and I eventually began to realize how desperately he was fighting to steal my destiny.
And it is because of this that I write tonight. It is because I now know that he has no power over my destiny as I bring to light the darkest of secrets. As I opened up to one of THE most important spiritual leaders in my life today, and as I talked to one of my best friends in depth about my struggle with an eating disorder for a decade, I could physically and mentally feel the chains that keep me in captivity loosen more and more, and my destiny begin to break out.
Because of the battle(s) I have fought for my life, and because I declare that I am free and will one day be completely recovered by His power and His power alone, I have a calling to breathe life into the valleys of dry bones (Ezekiel 37 calling). My words have power behind them, and my life carries authority. My life shares that hope is real, and that HE is that hope. My life shares that love really exists, and that HE is that love, and that LOVE sets FREE. My life is a testimony that is continually being written.
And so I begin by sharing with you all. For if I ever want to see my destiny lived out, I cannot hide ever again. It is by remaining in shame and in a secretive, deceitful lifestyle that I remain in captivity when I am meant to be free for the sake of freedom. I want to see lives transformed because I AM TRANSFORMED.
I will thank God now every day that I remember that He has allowed me to battle this eating disorder, because He has definitely worked it out for the good (Romans 8:28). Lives will be changed. And I now consider myself beyond blessed because He has placed the most wonderful people in my life that I could ever ask for because I face it. People who fight with me, people who cheer me on, people who are DESPERATE to see me on the other end of this battle. These are the greatest friends anyone could ever have. The greatest spiritual FAMILY anyone could ever have. United by Christ's blood we are.
And now, after recognizing the freedom in testimony and how loved I truly am, something has snapped in me -- a desire to defeat this eating disorder once and for all. It will continue to be a recovery journey full of ups and downs, but I am desperate and willing to finally live out that freedom that will breathe life into the dead places and shine His light in the darkest of places.
Amen and amen.
I will never be the same,
Love has called my name;
from the ashes I rise to proclaim!
Your love is undefeated,
forever You will reign.
JUSTICE has won again!
Being honest about how I am doing and battles I am facing was never an occurrence for me: I was a professional liar, faker, pretender, you name it. Especially because my battle is with an eating disorder, anorexia (and bulimia) nervosa, one of the most shameful things ever. It is a mental illness that people don't just discuss. Full of disgust and shame. A secret to be kept forever. Or so I thought. That is until Jesus began speaking freedom over me this past year. His banner over me is love and freedom, and when He renamed me "Hephzibah," or "My Delight is in Her" in December of 2010, I knew I would never be the same.
I gained an understanding of "what you keep in the dark will keep you in the dark." I knew that in order to really live a life full of the joy that He brings, I had to begin being real. Really being real. I had to begin sharing my story, bits and pieces, little by little, to people here and there. I had to stop hiding and start being vulnerable. I knew that as one delighted in, I had a destiny greater than I would ever imagine. I knew that after a battle for my mind, my heart, my soul, and my entire body physically (aka, coming close to death from my eating disorder multiple times), the calling on my life was worth fighting for. Even when I could not fight it. And that is why it was so crucial to have others fighting for me -- something only done by creating a vulnerability.
And so this year came and went, and I opened up to and became vulnerable with several people, make for THREE MORE over the past month, even while coming out of my hardest season. The Lord gave me courage to begin living out my testimony by beginning to allow several people in to physically BE a part of my story, creating bonds that would never be broken. And as I grew more and more able to walk the road of recovery with vulnerability and honesty, I came to realize that freedom came from exposing the darkness, bringing to light the power of Satan in my life.
And every single day, whether it was important to me at the time or not, I knew without a doubt that there was an incredible calling for my life, and that the battle for my life was not going to end anytime soon. And so I got sicker and sicker as the year crawled along. Getting kicked off of my mission trip because I was "too sick" in my eating disorder to be in a foreign country really topped it off. Satan threw at me lie after lie, and I eventually began to realize how desperately he was fighting to steal my destiny.
And it is because of this that I write tonight. It is because I now know that he has no power over my destiny as I bring to light the darkest of secrets. As I opened up to one of THE most important spiritual leaders in my life today, and as I talked to one of my best friends in depth about my struggle with an eating disorder for a decade, I could physically and mentally feel the chains that keep me in captivity loosen more and more, and my destiny begin to break out.
Because of the battle(s) I have fought for my life, and because I declare that I am free and will one day be completely recovered by His power and His power alone, I have a calling to breathe life into the valleys of dry bones (Ezekiel 37 calling). My words have power behind them, and my life carries authority. My life shares that hope is real, and that HE is that hope. My life shares that love really exists, and that HE is that love, and that LOVE sets FREE. My life is a testimony that is continually being written.
And so I begin by sharing with you all. For if I ever want to see my destiny lived out, I cannot hide ever again. It is by remaining in shame and in a secretive, deceitful lifestyle that I remain in captivity when I am meant to be free for the sake of freedom. I want to see lives transformed because I AM TRANSFORMED.
And now, after recognizing the freedom in testimony and how loved I truly am, something has snapped in me -- a desire to defeat this eating disorder once and for all. It will continue to be a recovery journey full of ups and downs, but I am desperate and willing to finally live out that freedom that will breathe life into the dead places and shine His light in the darkest of places.
Amen and amen.
I will never be the same,
Love has called my name;
from the ashes I rise to proclaim!
Your love is undefeated,
forever You will reign.
JUSTICE has won again!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
It doesn't make sense.
More confusion has invaded my life than ever before. The
severity of cycles that I am facing right now makes much more sense
after coming to the realization that I want to be underweight more than I
want to be happy/joyful/okay/able to love others. However, the
confusion comes in because I do not understand WHY.
While a good portion of people who suffer from eating disorders, including myself a majority of the time, depression is more common while NOT engaging in behaviors because one cannot cope differently. When using symptoms, one is coping and probably numb. That is why "being underweight" or "losing weight" or whatever means more than being healthy. Because being healthy means having to deal with things and having to feel.
However, the opposite is true for me right now. I really cannot figure it out, and it makes no sense. When I am NOT engaging in eating disorder behaviors, my weight aside, I am content, I am confident in my identity in Christ, I can love other people, I feel loved by other people, I know who I am, I know what I want, I know where I am going. I am filled with His joy and His peace, and I AM coping healthily. I have dealt with most of the "trauma" in my life, I have learned how to forgive and work through things, and I have.
The problem is that I choose NOT to be here, to not be happy, ALL because I want to be underweight. I choose to be DEPRESSED (because using my ED MAKES me depressed) because being depressed MEANS I am losing weight. Something different than most with an ED. I feel so loved and so many people would rather me be healthier, and I would have healthier and happier relationships with all of these people, but I'd still rather be sick... because being sick means losing weight.
But I don't understand WHY. I don't know WHY I would rather be sad and miserable and look sick than be happy and look healthy. I have experienced BOTH sides of it in extreme measures, especially over the last two years. And, as much as I want God and to choose Him and His joy and freedom, I want to be underweight more.
I just do not understand it.
While a good portion of people who suffer from eating disorders, including myself a majority of the time, depression is more common while NOT engaging in behaviors because one cannot cope differently. When using symptoms, one is coping and probably numb. That is why "being underweight" or "losing weight" or whatever means more than being healthy. Because being healthy means having to deal with things and having to feel.
However, the opposite is true for me right now. I really cannot figure it out, and it makes no sense. When I am NOT engaging in eating disorder behaviors, my weight aside, I am content, I am confident in my identity in Christ, I can love other people, I feel loved by other people, I know who I am, I know what I want, I know where I am going. I am filled with His joy and His peace, and I AM coping healthily. I have dealt with most of the "trauma" in my life, I have learned how to forgive and work through things, and I have.
The problem is that I choose NOT to be here, to not be happy, ALL because I want to be underweight. I choose to be DEPRESSED (because using my ED MAKES me depressed) because being depressed MEANS I am losing weight. Something different than most with an ED. I feel so loved and so many people would rather me be healthier, and I would have healthier and happier relationships with all of these people, but I'd still rather be sick... because being sick means losing weight.
But I don't understand WHY. I don't know WHY I would rather be sad and miserable and look sick than be happy and look healthy. I have experienced BOTH sides of it in extreme measures, especially over the last two years. And, as much as I want God and to choose Him and His joy and freedom, I want to be underweight more.
I just do not understand it.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Something Worth Savoring
I am so grateful that as hopeless as everything seems right
now, as weak as I am, as little happiness as I have, as bad as my eating
disorder currently is, and as terrible of circumstances that my family
is currently in, I am seeking the Lord. I am worshiping. I am singing to
His holy Name. I am reading His Word. I am continuing to be vulnerable
with the one or two people I need to be vulnerable with. I am still
trying to do the things that need to get done.
“Rest in my arm, My child. I’ve got you. I don’t see your flesh. I see My Son. And I see your heart. I see that your love for Me is real. Do not worry about disappointing me. I want you to be well because I love you, but I don’t love you any less because of this battle. I love that you will persevere for Me. I love you.”
This is what I hear.
For the first time in my life.
This is a necessary season as much as I hate every second of it — I do not know that without this season would I ever truly get His love for me. If He can still love me HERE… how could I ever deny His love? Ever?
Beautiful Papa… Beautiful Jesus… Your voice is like running waters… so soothing. Thank You.I am abiding.
Keep me here with You
But don’t let me remain here
"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is
unseen is eternal." -2 Corinthians 4:18
What is unseen = HIS Presence
So, I fix my eyes not on [my finances, my family’s finances/bills/work, my family’s health, my health, my education, my relationships (or lack, thereof), my past, my trip being taken away from me, the people that have left me, my teeth, my health in general, my financial aid, my car, etc….] BECAUSE ALL OF THESE THINGS ARE TEMPORARY… but TODAY — RIGHT THIS MOMENT — I CHOOSE TO fix my eyes upon the fact that His Presence, Shekinah Glory, is here in this room with me. With an unveiled face I can stand in His Presence and experience His Glory. I can drink from a well that will never run dry RIGHT NOW.
Turning my eyes for this moment.
Lifting my eyes for this moment.
Gazing and abiding in this moment.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
What if I would have known?
I wonder what my 12 year-old self would have thought if I had told her that skipping meals was not going to give her a friend. I wonder what my 16 year-old self would have thought when I told her that when she started purging everything she ate to get skinny and/or sick to get friends, it would fail.
I wonder what I would have thought if I would have told myself that it would ruin any attempt at making relationships for the many years to follow.
I am deceitful.
I am a liar.
I am manipulative.
I am controlling.
I am selfish.
I live behind thick walls.
I isolate myself.
I do not know how to act in social situations.
I don't know how to comfort or love people in person.
I don't know how to feel vulnerable.
I don't know how to let people see me cry.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE.
I wonder if I would not have continued on if I would have told myself that, at almost 23 years old, I can not even HAVE a healthy relationship because of the decisions I was making that I thought would make everything better.
It didn't work. I didn't get "skinny" and getting sick got me nowhere except... well... sick.
This is a big FFF YOU to Satan and my eating disorder.
I am done with you. I will not let you ruin my life anymore.
For the past six hours, I have been feeling the weight of everything that you have stolen from me. I have released so much hurt and pain. I cannot afford to keep doing this.
I have a life to live. I want to live it.
So, from this moment forward, I choose life. I choose to walk in the identity that He has given me, IN which I have full confidence when I focus on that. I know who I am in Christ. I know exactly who I am in Christ. And it is in that identity I will choose to walk. I am not a slave to this disease any longer. I refuse to be gripped by chains any longer when I have the Spirit that resurrected Christ from COMPLETE DEATH living inside of me. I have been given AUTHORITY. I have been given the same glory that the Father gave the Son. I have no excuse to live a life bound any longer.
But.
Guess what?
You don't either.
And this isn't to say that I will not need to frequently remind myself of these truths. And you can feel free to remind me too.
I wonder what I would have thought if I would have told myself that it would ruin any attempt at making relationships for the many years to follow.
I am deceitful.
I am a liar.
I am manipulative.
I am controlling.
I am selfish.
I live behind thick walls.
I isolate myself.
I do not know how to act in social situations.
I don't know how to comfort or love people in person.
I don't know how to feel vulnerable.
I don't know how to let people see me cry.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE.
It didn't work. I didn't get "skinny" and getting sick got me nowhere except... well... sick.
This is a big FFF YOU to Satan and my eating disorder.
I am done with you. I will not let you ruin my life anymore.
For the past six hours, I have been feeling the weight of everything that you have stolen from me. I have released so much hurt and pain. I cannot afford to keep doing this.
I have a life to live. I want to live it.
So, from this moment forward, I choose life. I choose to walk in the identity that He has given me, IN which I have full confidence when I focus on that. I know who I am in Christ. I know exactly who I am in Christ. And it is in that identity I will choose to walk. I am not a slave to this disease any longer. I refuse to be gripped by chains any longer when I have the Spirit that resurrected Christ from COMPLETE DEATH living inside of me. I have been given AUTHORITY. I have been given the same glory that the Father gave the Son. I have no excuse to live a life bound any longer.
But.
Guess what?
You don't either.
And this isn't to say that I will not need to frequently remind myself of these truths. And you can feel free to remind me too.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
True Repentence
My heart is broken at my sin. Over my life.
All I can think is, “I am the worst possible person in the world. Every person that has tried to love me, I have manipulated, tried to control, and pushed away. I have hurt them. Told them I hated them. And I never appreciated their love. And to this day, although they have shown me selfless love, I still doubt them.”
I hate what my eating disorder makes me. I hate the sinful, fleshly nature that I carry.
I live for myself. I live to satisfy my flesh.
But praise God that He has washed me white as snow, no longer sees these things, and has made His glory and nature available to me. Praise God that He made me new by His Spirit, and whensoever I choose to walk in this newness, I am not controlled by my flesh anymore. And praise God that He is teaching me how make this a reality in my life. Little. By. Little.
I desperately desire to live as He has called me to live. And each day I choose to deny my flesh and say NO to my illness, I get closer and closer to living in that true and new nature and being confident of my identity in Him.
May my heart never be hardened to the things of my life that break His heart.
May I learn more and more what it means to be truly repentant over my sin.
May I walk closer with the Spirit of the Living God every single day.
May I live more in the POWER that was given to me when the Spirit was released on Pentecost.
May I live more in victory every single day.
May my life become more about serving and loving others every day.
May I learn how to have healthy, non-manipulative relationships and how to continue to break down my walls and stop pushing people away.
May I let people love me and love them in return.
May I be more like You EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Amen.
All I can think is, “I am the worst possible person in the world. Every person that has tried to love me, I have manipulated, tried to control, and pushed away. I have hurt them. Told them I hated them. And I never appreciated their love. And to this day, although they have shown me selfless love, I still doubt them.”
I hate what my eating disorder makes me. I hate the sinful, fleshly nature that I carry.
I live for myself. I live to satisfy my flesh.
But praise God that He has washed me white as snow, no longer sees these things, and has made His glory and nature available to me. Praise God that He made me new by His Spirit, and whensoever I choose to walk in this newness, I am not controlled by my flesh anymore. And praise God that He is teaching me how make this a reality in my life. Little. By. Little.
I desperately desire to live as He has called me to live. And each day I choose to deny my flesh and say NO to my illness, I get closer and closer to living in that true and new nature and being confident of my identity in Him.
May I learn more and more what it means to be truly repentant over my sin.
May I walk closer with the Spirit of the Living God every single day.
May I live more in the POWER that was given to me when the Spirit was released on Pentecost.
May I live more in victory every single day.
May my life become more about serving and loving others every day.
May I learn how to have healthy, non-manipulative relationships and how to continue to break down my walls and stop pushing people away.
May I let people love me and love them in return.
May I be more like You EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Amen.
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