Something Worth Savoring

I am so grateful that as hopeless as everything seems right now, as weak as I am, as little happiness as I have, as bad as my eating disorder currently is, and as terrible of circumstances that my family is currently in, I am seeking the Lord. I am worshiping. I am singing to His holy Name. I am reading His Word. I am continuing to be vulnerable with the one or two people I need to be vulnerable with. I am still trying to do the things that need to get done.

I don’t think anyone knows how huge this is for me. Anyone. For as long as I’ve been a Christian (9 years now), whenever I feel this weak and lost in my ED, I RUN in shame from Him. This week is literally a FIRST. And I feel His love so much more than I ever have. His comfort. His goodness. His peace. His FATHERHOOD.

“Rest in my arm, My child. I’ve got you. I don’t see your flesh. I see My Son. And I see your heart. I see that your love for Me is real. Do not worry about disappointing me. I want you to be well because I love you, but I don’t love you any less because of this battle. I love that you will persevere for Me. I love you.”

This is what I hear.
For the first time in my life.

This is a necessary season as much as I hate every second of it — I do not know that without this season would I ever truly get His love for me. If He can still love me HERE… how could I ever deny His love? Ever?

Beautiful Papa… Beautiful Jesus… Your voice is like running waters… so soothing. Thank You.

I am abiding.
Keep me here with You
But don’t let me remain here

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." -2 Corinthians 4:18 

What is seen = MY circumstances.
What is unseen = HIS Presence

So, I fix my eyes not on [my finances, my family’s finances/bills/work, my family’s health, my health, my education, my relationships (or lack, thereof), my past, my trip being taken away from me, the people that have left me, my teeth, my health in general, my financial aid, my car, etc….] BECAUSE ALL OF THESE THINGS ARE TEMPORARY… but TODAY — RIGHT THIS MOMENT — I CHOOSE TO fix my eyes upon the fact that His Presence, Shekinah Glory, is here in this room with me. With an unveiled face I can stand in His Presence and experience His Glory. I can drink from a well that will never run dry RIGHT NOW.

Turning my eyes for this moment.
Lifting my eyes for this moment.
Gazing and abiding in this moment.