I have learned a terribly painful lesson in the last fifteen or so hours. Terribly painful. And, as I sit here and write this with tears in my eyes, I realize that I honestly could not be more thankful.
Over the course of my life, I have learned that the Almighty One works in beautiful ways. He is one who takes the worst of the worst situations and turns them into something beautiful. Hence, my life. Hence the life of almost every person who has ever made a difference in the name of Jesus. Thankfully, He has turned the pain of a very difficult night into something beautiful, something for His glory. I realize that I have learned two very, very important lessons from last night's events.
For an explanation of lesson number one, I will quote what a very dear friend of mine spoke to me last night: "It's probably good to have a mess-up for everyone, not just you -- because if we don't, it can so easily become another way to try to be perfect instead of seeking God. So, it sucks and it will be hard for a bit because it hurts to fall, but it gave you a good reminder and lesson." After reading it again this morning, I realize that there is not a statement that rings more true in my ears right now. My aim in walking in victory has become something more about perfection than it has about glorifying God. And now that I slipped-up a bit, it has created a fresh desire to seek Him instead of perfection within me. I am coming to believe deep within my heart that God really does see my heart, not my mistakes. And that really changes my perspective on things. A lot. Because I desire to serve Him, and I desire to glorify Him in everything I say and everything that I do, but when I start falling so easily into that "I have to be perfect or He will be angry" phase, my entire sense of direction is off. I feel as if I may be walking the right path because it shows in my actions, but I really am not (and was not) because my heart was off. And, now that I have messed up (oh, how weak is my flesh), He has had the chance to switch the direction of my compass back to His heart instead of my perfection. Oh, bless His holy Name.
Lesson number two is the painful lesson. It's the lesson of discipline-- the lesson of hearing Daddy's voice of discipline so clearly, you momentarily drop your head in shame. However, I stand on the fact that shame was defeated at the Cross, so I receive that discipline now, feeling the pain of it, but knowing it is important. I am not ashamed of falling anymore. I spent all morning and early afternoon in my bed, under my covers, afraid that coming out would mean facing reality. But, I realized I could not stay there forever. All I heard was, "Repent. Run to the Cross. Repent. Run to the Cross." all morning. But instead I felt the weight of what I had done so regrettably that I could not come out. Thankfully, I have a gentle Savior, who reminded me of Hebrews 12:11 -- discipline is not pleasant at the time, but it produces peace and righteousness. I decided it was time to arise from my slumber and repent. Upon doing so, lesson number two came to life. I realized that if I had stayed in my bed dwelling in my sin, I would be miserable for a LONG time. I would never believe He had forgiven me, and I would never forgive myself. But upon the reminder of this verse, I realized that I was forgiven, that He just wanted me to run to the Cross, to be at His feet, and to let it go. And so I did. The amazing part? Upon confessing, repenting, and sitting at His feet, I am not bound to my mistake anymore. I feel no shame, I don't feel defeated, I don't feel regret. I feel thankful that I have learned to accept His rebuke and let it go, and that His forgiveness means that I can forgive myself.
Does messing up suck? Heck. Yes. It. Does. Badly. But I see the good in this. I see that I have learned two lessons that needed to be learned sooner or later.
And I learned something else. My Mighty Savior has brought me so far over these past two months that I now realize that I can fall and not stay down anymore. I believe that seeing this played out shows me truly how far I have come -- greater than a constant UP, UP, UP would have. I stumble, and I continue to finish the race STRONG.
Christianity is not about running a perfect marathon. Nor is recovery. It's about running hard after the Prize -- but getting back up regardless of how imperfect the race is.
I am no less free than I was yesterday. I am no less sustained.
In fact -- I would venture to say that I have been set MORE free by His discipline and teaching.
Praise God.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Victims of a broken world, where hurting people hurt people, and the cycle never ends...
There has been a deep aching in my soul to write for the past couple of days, but it's almost as if I have been so unaware of how to write what I want to write that I am looking into a deep void. For days now, my stomach has been in knots -- knots so painful that I believe they are what caused me to have flu-like symptoms last night. I am yearning for relief from the brokenness of this world. I am yearning to see relief not only for myself, but for those around me. Abba Father has opened my eyes to so much reality lately, to the sick condition of our world. I no longer look at what we call society's "low-lives" today as such; I see them as helpless victims who are, too, yearning for that relief.
I'm not one to be fake anymore. I've had my fair share of masks [all 22 years of my life]. I've had my fair share of pretending to be a perfect Christian [all 9 years of my new life]. I am so tired of it.
And so I will say -- I've spent my entire life looking at broken people with judgement in my heart. I've spent my life looking at prostitutes and porn stars as idiots, losers, low-lives, disgusting, terrible people. I've looked at drug-addicts and alcoholics as the same. Wasting their lives, caring about nobody but themselves.
The sad reality of it all is that I myself am an addict. I have had an eating disorder for as long as I can possibly remember. I don't know life outside of spending hundreds of dollars on food and purging sometimes up to 20-something times a day. This has been my entire life and identity for as long as I can think back to Why? Because I want to look good? Does the prostitute sell her body because she wants to feel good? No. And no. I have a disease, a mental illness, that stems from the deepest wounds known to mankind. I have an emptiness I long to fill, and so I eat, a numbness I long to deal with, and so I purge, a longing for control in a world unable to be controlled, and so I defile my body in any way I find able. My eating disorder is my identity, all I know, and it's a mask I've hid behind for most of my life. I have had feelings of unworthiness that cause me to not care how my body is treated that stem from being a victim of a broken world, where hurting people hurt people, and the cycle never ends.
I'm just like the prostitutes, the porn stars, and the drug addicts. All part of a world where feeling like the body is worth anything is unheard of, and is therefore something to be thrown away. Why? Because of wounds. Wounds that feel impossible to be healed. One reality that my eyes have been opened to over the past year is that almost every single prostitute and porn star in our world has been trafficked by broken men. As someone who has struggled with pornography, I can tell you that I have seen the pain deep within the eyes of the women, but I never would have guessed that they were victims of slavery. Young, vulnerable girls who feel like their lives are worthless and that selling their bodies is the only thing that they are worth. These are girls who have been enslaved for sex. Society sees them as women who are just stupid, sick, and making stupid choices. I know, I once did too. But, they are victims of a broken world, where hurting people hurt people, and the cycle never ends.
And, all I want to do is reach out, to no longer be the victim, but the over-comer. What this world needs is a group of radical lovers, people who will open their hearts to truly receiving the heart of the Father for His children. When will we stop automatically jumping to conclusions when we see a 16-year-old girl that is pregnant? "Oh, she's just a slut." How do you know that that 16-year-old has not spent her life as one who has been ignored, and gave her body to a man just to be seen and heard? Or, how do we know that this girl was not raped and made the beautiful decision of letting that baby live, hoping that he or she would have be their redemption? How do we know the "druggies" are not hurting so much because of the negligence or abuse they endure at home that they have no other choice but to be numb? How do we know that the girl with anorexia does not come from a completely out-of-control household where her entire life seems to be spinning out of perspective, and all she can do is control her body? Or, how do we know she was not raped and feels her body is so worthless that she starves it away? How do we know that the cutter that hides in black is not a truly beautiful person inside who has never been given the chance to see the sunshine behind the clouds? And maybe they are crying out for attention because we are people who ALL long for attention, and they really are unable to get it in any other way. They are all victims of a broken world, where hurting people hurt people, and the cycle never ends.
When will we look past all of this? When will we allow the heart of the Father to become one with our sinful, judgmental hearts?
We are all broken people, longing, crying, aching for redemption, for peace, for some sort of relief. It is hard to see and recognize beyond all of the chaos of this world that we are all looking for reconciliation with the Father. Ecclesiastes 3:10 says that eternity has been set in the hearts of all people. We are all born for eternity. We are born for relationship with the Father, but when everything around us spins out of control, and everyone is hurting, and everyone is hurting everyone else, it is terribly difficult to see or recognize this.
So, in our pain, we put on our masks, and we point the finger. All the while we have the resurrected Christ crying out to us, "Come, My beloved, My sister, My bride! Come and follow Me. I have so much better for you. I have life to the full. I have life beyond all of this. I have a well of freedom for you to drink from. You will never go thirsty again. I have love for you that is better than wine. I just long for you to drink from this. Just take my hand. We'll do this together. We will do this together. We WILL do this TOGETHER. You don't do anything. Just take my hand. You're not alone. You're not alone. Do you hear Me, My beloved? You're NOT ALONE."
But we sit content in our Christian lives, hiding behind our "Christian 'fines'" and masks, and we judge. And we judge. And we judge. We hear the messages -- "reach out to the broken" ... "love the unlovable" ... "speak life into the dead valleys." And we're convicted, but we are so broken ourselves that we do not realize what it means. And so the "outcasts" and the "prostitutes" are still alone. Unloved. Judged. Condemned. Unfairly... Victims of a broken world, where hurting people hurt people, and the cycle never ends.
And so I am broken, and I am yearning for relief. I yearn because I am one still healing and still being set free -- I am one who HAS SEEN and who KNOWS the miraculous healing and restoration of the Father. And because He has, IN MY HEALING, opened my eyes to all of this. I long to DO something, to BE love. But I long for this message to awaken the hearts of God's people. I long to speak to a world of broken Christ-followers to allow the PERFECT, UNBROKEN heart of the Father become one with their hearts.
I yearn for the day of Christ's return. I yearn, and I yearn, and I yearn. I am desperate to see to see tears wiped away and complete restoration finally come. I am desperate for our "resurrected and glorious bodies" to finally be something we can be happy with. I am desperate for that time when pain is gone forever. For everybody.
But I know that while I am here, I am here to share my story. I am here to speak about the healing of Christ. About that well that never runs dry. About the heart of the Father that perfects our hearts. About the salvation of Christ that makes us perfect in His sight. I'm desperate to be WITH the broken people -- the prostitutes, the drug addicts, the eating disordered, the orphaned, the homeless. I yearn for their healing on this earth before Christ comes. I hurt with them, alongside them, hand-in-hand with them. And I'm willing to be broken for their sake, because I've experienced it, and I know it -- but also because I know it doesn't stop there. There is HOPE. There is hope for the hopeless. There is a LOVE that heals. There is a resurrected Savior that brings life to the fullest. And I won't keep this to myself. I've EXPERIENCED the resurrection of the Messiah. I've seen the valley of the dry bones awaken. I've TASTED the goodness of the Father. And I won't be alone in this.
I want you to join me.
(We do not stay victims with a victim mentality - we become ones who overcome with the resurrected Messiah.)
I'm not one to be fake anymore. I've had my fair share of masks [all 22 years of my life]. I've had my fair share of pretending to be a perfect Christian [all 9 years of my new life]. I am so tired of it.
And so I will say -- I've spent my entire life looking at broken people with judgement in my heart. I've spent my life looking at prostitutes and porn stars as idiots, losers, low-lives, disgusting, terrible people. I've looked at drug-addicts and alcoholics as the same. Wasting their lives, caring about nobody but themselves.
The sad reality of it all is that I myself am an addict. I have had an eating disorder for as long as I can possibly remember. I don't know life outside of spending hundreds of dollars on food and purging sometimes up to 20-something times a day. This has been my entire life and identity for as long as I can think back to Why? Because I want to look good? Does the prostitute sell her body because she wants to feel good? No. And no. I have a disease, a mental illness, that stems from the deepest wounds known to mankind. I have an emptiness I long to fill, and so I eat, a numbness I long to deal with, and so I purge, a longing for control in a world unable to be controlled, and so I defile my body in any way I find able. My eating disorder is my identity, all I know, and it's a mask I've hid behind for most of my life. I have had feelings of unworthiness that cause me to not care how my body is treated that stem from being a victim of a broken world, where hurting people hurt people, and the cycle never ends.
I'm just like the prostitutes, the porn stars, and the drug addicts. All part of a world where feeling like the body is worth anything is unheard of, and is therefore something to be thrown away. Why? Because of wounds. Wounds that feel impossible to be healed. One reality that my eyes have been opened to over the past year is that almost every single prostitute and porn star in our world has been trafficked by broken men. As someone who has struggled with pornography, I can tell you that I have seen the pain deep within the eyes of the women, but I never would have guessed that they were victims of slavery. Young, vulnerable girls who feel like their lives are worthless and that selling their bodies is the only thing that they are worth. These are girls who have been enslaved for sex. Society sees them as women who are just stupid, sick, and making stupid choices. I know, I once did too. But, they are victims of a broken world, where hurting people hurt people, and the cycle never ends.
And, all I want to do is reach out, to no longer be the victim, but the over-comer. What this world needs is a group of radical lovers, people who will open their hearts to truly receiving the heart of the Father for His children. When will we stop automatically jumping to conclusions when we see a 16-year-old girl that is pregnant? "Oh, she's just a slut." How do you know that that 16-year-old has not spent her life as one who has been ignored, and gave her body to a man just to be seen and heard? Or, how do we know that this girl was not raped and made the beautiful decision of letting that baby live, hoping that he or she would have be their redemption? How do we know the "druggies" are not hurting so much because of the negligence or abuse they endure at home that they have no other choice but to be numb? How do we know that the girl with anorexia does not come from a completely out-of-control household where her entire life seems to be spinning out of perspective, and all she can do is control her body? Or, how do we know she was not raped and feels her body is so worthless that she starves it away? How do we know that the cutter that hides in black is not a truly beautiful person inside who has never been given the chance to see the sunshine behind the clouds? And maybe they are crying out for attention because we are people who ALL long for attention, and they really are unable to get it in any other way. They are all victims of a broken world, where hurting people hurt people, and the cycle never ends.
When will we look past all of this? When will we allow the heart of the Father to become one with our sinful, judgmental hearts?
We are all broken people, longing, crying, aching for redemption, for peace, for some sort of relief. It is hard to see and recognize beyond all of the chaos of this world that we are all looking for reconciliation with the Father. Ecclesiastes 3:10 says that eternity has been set in the hearts of all people. We are all born for eternity. We are born for relationship with the Father, but when everything around us spins out of control, and everyone is hurting, and everyone is hurting everyone else, it is terribly difficult to see or recognize this.
So, in our pain, we put on our masks, and we point the finger. All the while we have the resurrected Christ crying out to us, "Come, My beloved, My sister, My bride! Come and follow Me. I have so much better for you. I have life to the full. I have life beyond all of this. I have a well of freedom for you to drink from. You will never go thirsty again. I have love for you that is better than wine. I just long for you to drink from this. Just take my hand. We'll do this together. We will do this together. We WILL do this TOGETHER. You don't do anything. Just take my hand. You're not alone. You're not alone. Do you hear Me, My beloved? You're NOT ALONE."
But we sit content in our Christian lives, hiding behind our "Christian 'fines'" and masks, and we judge. And we judge. And we judge. We hear the messages -- "reach out to the broken" ... "love the unlovable" ... "speak life into the dead valleys." And we're convicted, but we are so broken ourselves that we do not realize what it means. And so the "outcasts" and the "prostitutes" are still alone. Unloved. Judged. Condemned. Unfairly... Victims of a broken world, where hurting people hurt people, and the cycle never ends.
And so I am broken, and I am yearning for relief. I yearn because I am one still healing and still being set free -- I am one who HAS SEEN and who KNOWS the miraculous healing and restoration of the Father. And because He has, IN MY HEALING, opened my eyes to all of this. I long to DO something, to BE love. But I long for this message to awaken the hearts of God's people. I long to speak to a world of broken Christ-followers to allow the PERFECT, UNBROKEN heart of the Father become one with their hearts.
I yearn for the day of Christ's return. I yearn, and I yearn, and I yearn. I am desperate to see to see tears wiped away and complete restoration finally come. I am desperate for our "resurrected and glorious bodies" to finally be something we can be happy with. I am desperate for that time when pain is gone forever. For everybody.
But I know that while I am here, I am here to share my story. I am here to speak about the healing of Christ. About that well that never runs dry. About the heart of the Father that perfects our hearts. About the salvation of Christ that makes us perfect in His sight. I'm desperate to be WITH the broken people -- the prostitutes, the drug addicts, the eating disordered, the orphaned, the homeless. I yearn for their healing on this earth before Christ comes. I hurt with them, alongside them, hand-in-hand with them. And I'm willing to be broken for their sake, because I've experienced it, and I know it -- but also because I know it doesn't stop there. There is HOPE. There is hope for the hopeless. There is a LOVE that heals. There is a resurrected Savior that brings life to the fullest. And I won't keep this to myself. I've EXPERIENCED the resurrection of the Messiah. I've seen the valley of the dry bones awaken. I've TASTED the goodness of the Father. And I won't be alone in this.
I want you to join me.
(We do not stay victims with a victim mentality - we become ones who overcome with the resurrected Messiah.)
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Endless Pursuit of the Bridegroom
After a very in-depth conversation over coffee with one of my longest friendships, I can only sit here with tears in my eyes over the Church. I've been at this point many times, sure. Heck, I've even been here so many times that it's made up 90% of the times I have turned my back on Jesus Christ, if only for a day. But this time is different. This time I weep because He weeps; I weep alongside Him. I feel the heart of God over His bride. I literally feel the heart of God.
Just for a little bit of background information -- God has given me a spiritual gift that sometimes I wish I did not have. I don't know the name of the gift, but it is a gift related to feeling the heart of the Father all of the time. When the Father's heart breaks, it breaks my heart immensely and leaves me paralyzed in pain, weeping at His feet, interceding. When my Father rejoices, I rejoice to the point where I seem like a maniac and I cannot stop dancing and praising.
Well, my heart is broken for His bride. My heart breaks because we are a bride to be preparing for that day, the day of His wedding, yet no one is paying attention. This is our Bridegroom, desperate for His bride to be together with Him, and relentlessly He pursues her, but it breaks His heart that she does not pursue Him back.
Imagine being in relationship with someone who loved you. Like really, really loved you. And they pursued you day in and day out. Your friends and your family knew briefly of this person in your life, you would even go as far to say that you loved them and were in a relationship with them, but as they continually pursued you, you never saw yourself putting forth the effort to pursue him or her back. "I love you a lot," you would tell them at the end of the day. "I'm glad you're in my life," sometimes you would mutter. But, after hearing these words, the person could only weep because they did not feel that you truly loved them back. Your actions did not line up with your words. Sure, you knew them. And sure, you briefly talked about them. But they weren't like that. They pursued you. And pursued you. And pursued them. Yet, their heart was broken because there was no true communication of love between the two of you.
This is how God feels toward His bride, the ones who claim to know Him, to love Him, to be in a relationship with Him. Pursue them relentlessly, He will continue to do, no matter how broken His heart becomes. Thankfully He can do that. We, as mere humans, do not have the strength within us to continually pursue the one who does not desire us. But, He, as the I AM, can and will continually pursue us with His heart broken for us.
Just read the book of Hosea.
13 I will punish her for the days
she burned incense to the Baals;
she decked herself with rings and jewelry,
and went after her lovers,
but me she forgot,”
declares the LORD.
14 “Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor[b] a door of hope.
There she will respond[c] as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
16 “In that day,” declares the LORD,
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master.[d]’
(Hosea 2:13-16)
And what amazes me even more is what the LORD says in chapter 11 of Hosea:
But how can I give up on you, Ephraim?
How can I turn you loose, Israel?
How can I leave you to be ruined like Admah,
devastated like luckless Zeboim?
I can't bear to even think such thoughts.
My insides churn in protest.
And so I'm not going to act on my anger.
I'm not going to destroy Ephraim.
And why? Because I am God and not a human.
I'm The Holy One and I'm here—in your very midst.
(Hosea 11:8-9)
He pursues. Relentlessly. And He HATES to be separated from us. But, as Hosea says, we have turned to other lovers and chosen to forget Him. We, His bride, have chosen to turn our backs on Him. We claim to know Him, but we look to idols. We are the Israel in this story. We cheat on our Beloved King with other lovers. This does not mean people -- though it can -- it means anything that we look to because we really don't believe He is enough. We see other things in this world that we want, so we turn our attention away from Him.
When you look at the life of a lover, you see love. You SEE love.
Close your eyes for a minute and imagine a couple in their late 90's, married for 65 years. This couple thrives in health because they have lived happily together for 65 years. They have spent every single day of their lives together -- and when something came up that might distract one from the other, they fought to be together still. Picnics, walks in the park, quilting, coffee dates, exercise tapes, explored, and drinking lemonade together on the beach consumed their free time together. The minute they got home from work, they embraced each other and danced around the house together. And, now, at 90 years old, they are still happy together. Eternal love took sacrifice. It took time. It took making every moment about the other person. It took pushing aside anything that might come between that love, no matter how hard it was.
God wants this from us. Like that couple's relationship, love is not boring. Love was sweet like lemonade. Love was active like walking. Love was thrilling like exploring. Love was relaxing like quilting. Love WAS. Love IS. Love is an action verb. It means being together. It means DOING together. It means ACTING together. It means PUSHING ASIDE what stands between love.
But we aren't willing.
God calls us to pursue this thrilling, relaxing, active, and sweet relationship with Himself. He calls us to deny ourselves. Not to punish us, but because He wants to be able to share with us His love, the most choice wine possible. But when we allow STUFF to come between us, His heart breaks because He can't share His love with us. His love that is greater, wider, and longer than we can ever understand.
So, His heart breaks. Not because we are being condemned, but because He has so much to offer us and we deny it. We deny drinking the tastiest wine there is.
And until we open our hearts enough, until we learn to deny ourselves even a little and push aside this BROKEN WORLD, we cannot taste that love. And until we truly TASTE His love, until we truly ENCOUNTER THIS MAN, Jesus Christ, who is ALIVE, and who is ACTIVE, and who is ENDLESSLY pursuing us... we will continue to desire other things.
So He calls us to open our hearts. To be radically loved. To just make the choice once. Then twice. Then three times. Deny ourselves. Deny ME, ME, ME. And soak in His presence. Take a walk with Him when you feel like playing a video game. Sit and drink coffee with Him when you feel like watching that movie. Try it. Just try it. Once. Twice. Three times.
Just choose to be loved. That choice to be RADICALLY loved will create a desire in YOU to love HIM endlessly beyond just the "I love you" statement. We love because He first loved us. We love because He first loved us. We endlessly pursue Him because we ENCOUNTER the relentless love of the Bridegroom.
Take this as a challenge.
Just for a little bit of background information -- God has given me a spiritual gift that sometimes I wish I did not have. I don't know the name of the gift, but it is a gift related to feeling the heart of the Father all of the time. When the Father's heart breaks, it breaks my heart immensely and leaves me paralyzed in pain, weeping at His feet, interceding. When my Father rejoices, I rejoice to the point where I seem like a maniac and I cannot stop dancing and praising.
Well, my heart is broken for His bride. My heart breaks because we are a bride to be preparing for that day, the day of His wedding, yet no one is paying attention. This is our Bridegroom, desperate for His bride to be together with Him, and relentlessly He pursues her, but it breaks His heart that she does not pursue Him back.
Imagine being in relationship with someone who loved you. Like really, really loved you. And they pursued you day in and day out. Your friends and your family knew briefly of this person in your life, you would even go as far to say that you loved them and were in a relationship with them, but as they continually pursued you, you never saw yourself putting forth the effort to pursue him or her back. "I love you a lot," you would tell them at the end of the day. "I'm glad you're in my life," sometimes you would mutter. But, after hearing these words, the person could only weep because they did not feel that you truly loved them back. Your actions did not line up with your words. Sure, you knew them. And sure, you briefly talked about them. But they weren't like that. They pursued you. And pursued you. And pursued them. Yet, their heart was broken because there was no true communication of love between the two of you.
This is how God feels toward His bride, the ones who claim to know Him, to love Him, to be in a relationship with Him. Pursue them relentlessly, He will continue to do, no matter how broken His heart becomes. Thankfully He can do that. We, as mere humans, do not have the strength within us to continually pursue the one who does not desire us. But, He, as the I AM, can and will continually pursue us with His heart broken for us.
Just read the book of Hosea.
13 I will punish her for the days
she burned incense to the Baals;
she decked herself with rings and jewelry,
and went after her lovers,
but me she forgot,”
declares the LORD.
14 “Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor[b] a door of hope.
There she will respond[c] as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
16 “In that day,” declares the LORD,
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master.[d]’
(Hosea 2:13-16)
And what amazes me even more is what the LORD says in chapter 11 of Hosea:
But how can I give up on you, Ephraim?
How can I turn you loose, Israel?
How can I leave you to be ruined like Admah,
devastated like luckless Zeboim?
I can't bear to even think such thoughts.
My insides churn in protest.
And so I'm not going to act on my anger.
I'm not going to destroy Ephraim.
And why? Because I am God and not a human.
I'm The Holy One and I'm here—in your very midst.
(Hosea 11:8-9)
He pursues. Relentlessly. And He HATES to be separated from us. But, as Hosea says, we have turned to other lovers and chosen to forget Him. We, His bride, have chosen to turn our backs on Him. We claim to know Him, but we look to idols. We are the Israel in this story. We cheat on our Beloved King with other lovers. This does not mean people -- though it can -- it means anything that we look to because we really don't believe He is enough. We see other things in this world that we want, so we turn our attention away from Him.
When you look at the life of a lover, you see love. You SEE love.
 |
| source: tumblr.com |
God wants this from us. Like that couple's relationship, love is not boring. Love was sweet like lemonade. Love was active like walking. Love was thrilling like exploring. Love was relaxing like quilting. Love WAS. Love IS. Love is an action verb. It means being together. It means DOING together. It means ACTING together. It means PUSHING ASIDE what stands between love.
But we aren't willing.
God calls us to pursue this thrilling, relaxing, active, and sweet relationship with Himself. He calls us to deny ourselves. Not to punish us, but because He wants to be able to share with us His love, the most choice wine possible. But when we allow STUFF to come between us, His heart breaks because He can't share His love with us. His love that is greater, wider, and longer than we can ever understand.
So, His heart breaks. Not because we are being condemned, but because He has so much to offer us and we deny it. We deny drinking the tastiest wine there is.
And until we open our hearts enough, until we learn to deny ourselves even a little and push aside this BROKEN WORLD, we cannot taste that love. And until we truly TASTE His love, until we truly ENCOUNTER THIS MAN, Jesus Christ, who is ALIVE, and who is ACTIVE, and who is ENDLESSLY pursuing us... we will continue to desire other things.
So He calls us to open our hearts. To be radically loved. To just make the choice once. Then twice. Then three times. Deny ourselves. Deny ME, ME, ME. And soak in His presence. Take a walk with Him when you feel like playing a video game. Sit and drink coffee with Him when you feel like watching that movie. Try it. Just try it. Once. Twice. Three times.
Just choose to be loved. That choice to be RADICALLY loved will create a desire in YOU to love HIM endlessly beyond just the "I love you" statement. We love because He first loved us. We love because He first loved us. We endlessly pursue Him because we ENCOUNTER the relentless love of the Bridegroom.
Take this as a challenge.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Blogging is not new to me; It has been a time-consumer of mine for a good portion of my life, actually. It is one of those things that has helped me to feel sane and has aided in a lot of healing that I have experienced in my life, as well as feeling understood and wanted. However, I would never say that it was not until recently that I decided to really turn my blogging into something glorifying to the LORD.
Have you ever known one of those people who always had too much to say, but never knew how to express it in words? That's how I feel, all of the time. I feel as if there are oceans of words inside of my heart, waiting to be surfed. Waters waiting to be enjoyed. Sometimes the waters inside of my heart are risky. Scary, even. But they need a chance to be tested. They need someone willing to explore them.
It's time, though, that I pour my heart out on paper. It's time to create meaning from the storms inside of me. It's time to turn my brokenness into something beautiful.
And... dare I say it?
It's time to put my story out there, be it something people are willing to invest in.
Here I am. (Send me.)
Here I am. (Send me.)
Here I am. (Send me.)
They say three times is a charm. Three times. I mean it.
Christina: Christ-follower. Worshiper of the King. One who is delighted in. Hephzibah. Beautiful daughter. Princess. Royalty. Sincere, compassionate, genuine, loving, open, broken, healing.
One who is loved.
One who is redeemed.
Welcome to my heart.
Have you ever known one of those people who always had too much to say, but never knew how to express it in words? That's how I feel, all of the time. I feel as if there are oceans of words inside of my heart, waiting to be surfed. Waters waiting to be enjoyed. Sometimes the waters inside of my heart are risky. Scary, even. But they need a chance to be tested. They need someone willing to explore them.
It's time, though, that I pour my heart out on paper. It's time to create meaning from the storms inside of me. It's time to turn my brokenness into something beautiful.
And... dare I say it?
It's time to put my story out there, be it something people are willing to invest in.
Here I am. (Send me.)Here I am. (Send me.)
Here I am. (Send me.)
They say three times is a charm. Three times. I mean it.
Christina: Christ-follower. Worshiper of the King. One who is delighted in. Hephzibah. Beautiful daughter. Princess. Royalty. Sincere, compassionate, genuine, loving, open, broken, healing.
One who is loved.
One who is redeemed.
Welcome to my heart.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)