The Continuing Journey to Freedom

It is a terribly sad thing to me that so many people are unaware of the darkness that lies behind eating disorders. Terribly, terribly sad. Eating disorders are not simply choices that one makes in order to "look good." Eating disorders are symptoms of trauma, of abuse, of rape, of rejection, of abandonment, of anything else that can tear one's life apart. After having an eating disorder for most of my life, I am finally realizing that temporarily "quitting" behaviors does not do anything if the underlying issues are not dealt with, if true healing does not take place. Letting go of behaviors temporarily will then become just that -- temporarily letting go of behaviors. There will be a return. There will be relapse when the underlying issues resurface. And so I have this past week.

Over the past few weeks, a lot of really real and painful things have resurfaced in my life. From the messages in chapel, to the Holy Spirit individually revealing a lot of pain in my life, to eating meals alone just like in my past, to spending my weekends alone, to isolating, to realizing that I still have no idea how to handle social situations, to stresses of school, to family, to coming home, to not being able to deal with student teaching being so soon... I have had a very difficult last few weeks.

I am broken. I am weary. I am scared. But I have been learning how to start dealing with the underlying issues of an eating disorder that has consumed me for a good portion of my life.

But because of all of the stuff I have been trying to finally deal with, and because I've been allowing God to prune things in my life and bring true healing, I have become vulnerable. I have spent so much of my life attempting to numb my feelings and pushing the stuff that's real aside, having surface level relationships, and shutting people out -- now that all of this is changing, now that my walls are coming down, I'm in the midst of a really terrible relapse.

But the thing that is different throughout this is that I do not wish to be here. I long for health and I long for life. In the past I would argue that I was definitely in control and there was nothing wrong with me bingeing and purging consistently. Controlling what went in and what went out of my body meant that I was in control. In reality, I was more out of control than one would even think to be possible. Now that I have spent the past two months really recovering, I can recognize how out of control I am this week. And while in the midst of a binge I do not care, when I step outside of it for even one minute, I am broken. I am broken because I know His heart over me. I know that I have so much life ahead of me. I know that I am hurting the people who truly do love me. And I can see that my entire life is being stolen right before my eyes.

And I realize that I have to choose to refocus. I cannot change my behaviors right now by "willing them away", but I can choose to focus on what matters. And what matters is that I do have goals in life. I have things to fight for.

1. I have Argentina in two and a half months. I have a chance to be used by the living God, to bless the lives of others, to make a true difference in a hopeless situation. 
2. I have student teaching in 5 months. I am stepping into the realms of true professionalism, a career, of marking the lives of adolescents forever, of being the face of Jesus even when the Truth cannot be verbalized. 
3. I have a life of missions ahead of me. When I feel that God is calling me completely away from the American school system into a Spanish-speaking country full-term (or just during summers, or just temporarily... whatever it may be) -- I will be living in a place that is unfamiliar, risky, stressful, hard -- but I will be loving children and sharing Christ's love with them, which I was born to do.
4. I have a story to tell that will bring others who have dealt with mental illnesses hope. I have a testimony that will truly represent the resurrection of Christ, if I choose to continue to stay on this road of recovery.
5. God has given me the desire to be a mommy over anything in this world. The most important thing to me is having children, and I believe that He has blessed me with the gift of being a wonderful mother. I cannot wait to live this out! (And each time that I use disordered behaviors, my chance of being able to have children decreases.)
6. I cannot wait to have a family of my own to redeem everything that went wrong in my own. To have a husband whom I love, who loves my children, and children, whom I love, who are best friends with both me and my husband. We will worship the LORD together and read books together and watch Tangled together and serve together. And my children will grow up to be Holy Spirit warriors. And my husband and I will lift each other up in the Spirit together at all times. 
7. I have a body that deserves to be taken care of. I have a body that will need to face the tensions of the public school system, of the mission field, and of generally being His hands and feet. My body needs to be healthy for all that He has called me to. 

I am more than this disorder, and even in the face of relapse, I believe this with all of my heart. I am struggling with the fact that "nothing changed" in two months of no behaviors, and so I wanted my "excuse for any failures that I may have" (being sick being the excuse) back, but in reality -- it has taken me 10 years of developing an eating disorder to get this sick, it will take me more than 2 months until I am fully healed.

• It takes a lot of perseverance and surrendering to Him. 
• It takes continuing to break down my walls and being willing to build relationships that are beyond surface level.
• It takes being willing to take care of myself above everything else. It means that learning to love myself and my body must become a priority.
• It means that I stop being a people-pleaser, because I am important, and because Galatians 1:10 says I am not to be.
• It means that I believe that imperfection does not make me a failure.
• It means that God being in control is more important than controlling my body (which is truly me trying to control my out-of-control life).

I am struggling and fighting a very difficult battle that I feel like I am losing right now, but God is faithful and I believe that He will continue healing me, even in the midst of this relapse, even despite my inability to control my behaviors at this very second.

Every day is a new day. Every breath is a chance to speak out something positive. Every beat of my heart is another beat of learning to live. I am still here. I am still a fighter. I am still free because He has already paid the price for my freedom.

His blood is powerful. His Spirit is alive. His Gospel is my peace.