The Power of Testimony for Freedom

Tonight something major took place in the spiritual realm. Something that gave me the drive again to write about the goodness of my God. First of all, how blessed I really am has hit me. But first, first I want to give thanks and praise to  my God and glorify His name for the freedom that  He has blessed me with. Even if I still struggle, the amount of freedom that I have had over the past year is beyond words. I never imagined being in a place where writing parts of my testimony and sharing my struggles would be a semi-normal thing.

Being honest about how I am doing and battles I am facing was never an occurrence for me: I was a professional liar, faker, pretender, you name it. Especially because my battle is with an eating disorder, anorexia (and bulimia)  nervosa, one of the most shameful things ever. It is a mental illness that people don't just discuss. Full of disgust and shame. A secret to be kept forever. Or so I thought. That is until Jesus began speaking freedom over me this past year. His banner over me is love and freedom, and when He renamed me "Hephzibah," or "My Delight is in Her" in December of 2010, I knew I would never be the same.

I gained an understanding of "what you keep in the dark will keep you in the dark." I knew that in order to really live a life full of the joy that He brings, I had to begin being real. Really being real. I had to begin sharing my story, bits and pieces, little by little, to people here and there. I had to stop hiding and start being vulnerable. I knew that as one delighted in, I had a destiny greater than I would ever imagine. I knew that after a battle for my mind, my heart, my soul, and my entire body physically (aka, coming close to death from my eating disorder multiple times), the calling on my life was worth fighting for. Even when I could not fight it. And that is why it was so crucial to have others fighting for me -- something only done by creating a vulnerability.

And so this year came and went, and I opened up to and became vulnerable with several people, make for THREE MORE over the past month, even while coming out of my hardest season. The Lord gave me courage to begin living out my testimony by beginning to allow several people in to physically BE a part of my story, creating bonds that would never be broken. And as I grew more and more able to walk the road of recovery with vulnerability and honesty, I came to realize that freedom came from exposing the darkness, bringing to light the power of Satan in my life.

And every single day, whether it was important to me at the time or not, I knew without a doubt that there was an incredible calling for my life, and that the battle for my life was not going to end anytime soon. And so I got sicker and sicker as the year crawled along. Getting kicked off of my mission trip because I was "too sick" in my eating disorder to be in a foreign country really topped it off. Satan threw at me lie after lie, and I eventually began to realize how desperately he was fighting to steal my destiny.

And it is because of this that I write tonight. It is because I now know that he has no power over my destiny as I bring to light the darkest of secrets. As I opened up to one of THE most important spiritual leaders in my life today, and as I talked to one of my best friends in depth about my struggle with an eating disorder for a decade, I could physically and mentally feel the chains that keep me in captivity loosen more and more, and my destiny begin to break out.

Because of the battle(s) I have fought for my life, and because I declare that I am free and will one day be completely recovered by His power and His power alone, I have a calling to breathe life into the valleys of dry bones (Ezekiel 37 calling). My words have power behind them, and my life carries authority. My life shares that hope is real, and that HE is that hope. My life shares that love really exists, and that HE is that love, and that LOVE sets FREE. My life is a testimony that is continually being written.

And so I begin by sharing with you all. For if I ever want to see my destiny lived out, I cannot hide ever again. It is by remaining in shame and in a secretive, deceitful lifestyle that I remain in captivity when I am meant to be free for the sake of freedom. I want to see lives transformed because I AM TRANSFORMED.

I will thank God now every day that I remember that He has allowed me to battle this eating disorder, because He has definitely worked it out for the good (Romans 8:28). Lives will be changed. And I now consider myself beyond blessed because He has placed the most wonderful people in my life that I could ever ask for because I face it. People who fight with me, people who cheer me on, people who are DESPERATE to see me on the other end of this battle. These are the greatest friends anyone could ever have. The greatest spiritual FAMILY anyone could ever have. United by Christ's blood we are.

And now, after recognizing the freedom in testimony and how loved I truly am, something has snapped in me -- a desire to defeat this eating disorder once and for all. It will continue to be a recovery journey full of ups and downs, but I am desperate and willing to finally live out that freedom that will breathe life into the dead places and shine His light in the darkest of places.

Amen and amen.

I will never be the same,
Love has called my name;
from the ashes I rise to proclaim!
Your love is undefeated,
forever You will reign.
JUSTICE has won again!

It doesn't make sense.

More confusion has invaded my life than ever before. The severity of cycles that I am facing right now makes much more sense after coming to the realization that I want to be underweight more than I want to be happy/joyful/okay/able to love others. However, the confusion comes in because I do not understand WHY.

While a good portion of people who suffer from eating disorders, including myself a majority of the time, depression is more common while NOT engaging in behaviors because one cannot cope differently. When using symptoms, one is coping and probably numb. That is why "being underweight" or "losing weight" or whatever means more than being healthy. Because being healthy means having to deal with things and having to feel.

However, the opposite is true for me right now. I really cannot figure it out, and it makes no sense. When I am NOT engaging in eating disorder behaviors, my weight aside, I am content, I am confident in my identity in Christ, I can love other people, I feel loved by other people, I know who I am, I know what I want, I know where I am going. I am filled with His joy and His peace, and I AM coping healthily. I have dealt with most of the "trauma" in my life, I have learned how to forgive and work through things, and I have.

The problem is that I choose NOT to be here, to not be happy, ALL because I want to be underweight. I choose to be DEPRESSED (because using my ED MAKES me depressed) because being depressed MEANS I am losing weight. Something different than most with an ED. I feel so loved and so many people would rather me be healthier, and I would have healthier and happier relationships with all of these people, but I'd still rather be sick... because being sick means losing weight.

But I don't understand WHY. I don't know WHY I would rather be sad and miserable and look sick than be happy and look healthy. I have experienced BOTH sides of it in extreme measures, especially over the last two years. And, as much as I want God and to choose Him and His joy and freedom, I want to be underweight more.

I just do not understand it.