An Imperfect Runner / Lessons Learned

I have learned a terribly painful lesson in the last fifteen or so hours. Terribly painful. And, as I sit here and write this with tears in my eyes, I realize that I honestly could not be more thankful.

Over the course of my life, I have learned that the Almighty One works in beautiful ways. He is one who takes the worst of the worst situations and turns them into something beautiful. Hence, my life. Hence the life of almost every person who has ever made a difference in the name of Jesus. Thankfully, He has turned the pain of a very difficult night into something beautiful, something for His glory. I realize that I have learned two very, very important lessons from last night's events.

For an explanation of lesson number one, I will quote what a very dear friend of mine spoke to me last night: "It's probably good to have a mess-up for everyone, not just you -- because if we don't, it can so easily become another way to try to be perfect instead of seeking God. So, it sucks and it will be hard for a bit because it hurts to fall, but it gave you a good reminder and lesson." After reading it again this morning, I realize that there is not a statement that rings more true in my ears right now. My aim in walking in victory has become something more about perfection than it has about glorifying God. And now that I slipped-up a bit, it has created a fresh desire to seek Him instead of perfection within me. I am coming to believe deep within my heart that God really does see my heart, not my mistakes. And that really changes my perspective on things. A lot. Because I desire to serve Him, and I desire to glorify Him in everything I say and everything that I do, but when I start falling so easily into that "I have to be perfect or He will be angry" phase, my entire sense of direction is off. I feel as if I may be walking the right path because it shows in my actions, but I really am not (and was not) because my heart was off. And, now that I have messed up (oh, how weak is my flesh), He has had the chance to switch the direction of my compass back to His heart instead of my perfection. Oh, bless His holy Name.

Lesson number two is the painful lesson. It's the lesson of discipline-- the lesson of hearing Daddy's voice of discipline so clearly, you momentarily drop your head in shame. However, I stand on the fact that shame was defeated at the Cross, so I receive that discipline now, feeling the pain of it, but knowing it is important. I am not ashamed of falling anymore. I spent all morning and early afternoon in my bed, under my covers, afraid that coming out would mean facing reality. But, I realized I could not stay there forever. All I heard was, "Repent. Run to the Cross. Repent. Run to the Cross." all morning. But instead I felt the weight of what I had done so regrettably that I could not come out. Thankfully, I have a gentle Savior, who reminded me of Hebrews 12:11 -- discipline is not pleasant at the time, but it produces peace and righteousness. I decided it was time to arise from my slumber and repent. Upon doing so, lesson number two came to life. I realized that if I had stayed in my bed dwelling in my sin, I would be miserable for a LONG time. I would never believe He had forgiven me, and I would never forgive myself. But upon the reminder of this verse, I realized that I was forgiven, that He just wanted me to run to the Cross, to be at His feet, and to let it go. And so I did. The amazing part? Upon confessing, repenting, and sitting at His feet, I am not bound to my mistake anymore. I feel no shame, I don't feel defeated, I don't feel regret. I feel thankful that I have learned to accept His rebuke and let it go, and that His forgiveness means that I can forgive myself.

Does messing up suck? Heck. Yes. It. Does. Badly. But I see the good in this. I see that I have learned two lessons that needed to be learned sooner or later.

And I learned something else. My Mighty Savior has brought me so far over these past two months that I now realize that I can fall and not stay down anymore. I believe that seeing this played out shows me truly how far I have come -- greater than a constant UP, UP, UP would have. I stumble, and I continue to finish the race STRONG.

Christianity is not about running a perfect marathon. Nor is recovery. It's about running hard after the Prize -- but getting back up regardless of how imperfect the race is.

I am no less free than I was yesterday. I am no less sustained.
In fact -- I would venture to say that I have been set MORE free by His discipline and teaching.

Praise God.